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Purge. Burn. Rise.

“Now that I have opened that bottle of memories they’re pouring out like wine,
crimson and bittersweet.”

~ Ellen Hopkins

I am purging.
Metaphorically and physically.
I feel the need to travel lighter.
Have less stuff. Have more white space. Be more free.

Part of the purge is the keepsake boxes.
I move them from place to place and never look in them, before today.

I spent the day alternating between crying the ugly cry and crying laughing.

All day long I sorted through cards and love letters and photographs and journals and notes and right now I am the most divine hot mess on the planet. Blinking over broken glass. Heart full and a little bit empty.

Fuck I miss my dad so much. Who would I be if he was still here and will the missing of him every.single.day ever not be a physical ache? I marvel at how entrenched in my DNA his particular brand of humour is, because I still laugh my ass off at the things HE found funny.

My mom and the change in her handwriting from 64 to 84. What would have happened in those times that I didn’t have her voice to keep me here? How has she always been consistently and without fail my biggest fan? She cheerleads constantly. It must be exhausting. Maybe that is why she is my constant muse. She loves big.

Without a doubt I lucked out in the parent department.

All the men I loved before I found That Guy, all tortured, all unable to love me back like I needed. Did they find peace in themselves and someone to love them as they are?

My wild, crazy and glorious friends and how we spent time. Just that. Time spent. Telling stories, repairing each others hearts, telling it like it is and were they always telling me “I am here and I love you” but I couldn’t see it and let them sometimes? So many sacred moments.

My brother Mike and all the photos of us growing up rivals and friends and I remember that I have not always been so hard on him and when it’s just us will we become best friends again? He is a truly majestic human being.

Again I lucked out.

Bottom line is people come and go. There is not a reason for everything and I am not always exactly where I should be. Today taught me that.

I have a giant bag of stuff to burn.
From those ashes I will rise into my next evolution.
Loved and loving.
With more freedom, more peace and all the memories I can handle. And some I can’t.

I don’t need the “stuff” anymore but I sure needed the purge of it.

Whatever is next I am ready.
Face forward. Head up.
Bring it.

Stay gold Wild Ones.
Thanks for hanging out with me.

Loves,

Renee_signature

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