“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
~ Barbara Bush
I am online dating.
That sentence can pretty much stand alone if you have experienced this phenomenon in real life.
It is complete and total comedy. So much so that I am considering writing a book about it.
I have had the domain name sexlovenrocknroll dot com for years because a friend suggested it one night and I thought it was brilliant. It was available so I bought it with absolutely no idea what I was gonna do with it.
I was in a long term relationship at that point, with a bass player so it seemed fitting, and who the fuck was *I* to talk about this. But I renewed it year after year from an intuitive place of “I need to keep this.”
Clearly it was waiting for this moment. Our subconscious knows what we don’t want to admit which is “I may end up single and get thrown back into the dating pool.”
So this is my first entry into what may be my guide to online dating. God help us all.
I started with OK Cupid.
Ok I lie.
I started with Craigslist but then everyone said that is where you get murdered so I MOVED to OK Cupid.
I am gonna start with usernames. This is the FIRST thing you have to offer and the first thing people will notice about you.
The amount of mail I get that has “69” in the username is INSANE.
partylikeme69 – This one’s profile photo strongly resembles Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.
I could go on but will spare you the details. (We will get to profile photos vs accompanying usernames at another time.)
WHO ARE THESE MEN?
I have no idea why so many men feel this is critical to the first contact I have with them. So critical it is part of their USERNAME but please stop.
Who decided that the 69 is back in style? Unless you were born in a year that ends in 69 I am here to inform you that this is unacceptable.
Men. We don’t like 69. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and no one gets off.
I want your full attention when you go downtown and I am gonna go out on a limb here and assume you want mine.
None of this “same time” shit. As my friend Niki says:
“You have no choice but to half ass the job.”
Word to that sister. Word. To. That.
Do not rate me on a scale of 1-69 if we are IN a 69.
No one can concentrate and no one gets out alive.
We mostly have to be on top and and if we are on the bottom it’s just awkward. I just turned 48 last Sunday and that’s it. I am refusing to ever do it again. I am declaring the rest of my existence a 69 free zone. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. No more 69.
You heard it here first.
God help me he better be fucking HOT if I ever stray from this new mantra.
Who is with me?
Stay gold wild ones.
Thanks for hanging out with me.