Welcome back to Sex, Love ‘n Rock ‘n Roll.
The comedy that is my life at 48, online dating. Lord have mercy. You cannot make this stuff up but it feeds my litmus test of laughter almost as much as cat videos.
Here we go…..
In online dating you only have three things going for you right out of the gate.
1. Your username.
2. Your profile photo.
3. Whatever you write in your description.
Last time I touched a bit on usernames and the over abundance of ones that contain ’69” and that quickly became a rant on 69’ing but I digress. I am not done with usernames, however today I want to discuss profile photos.
Take a fucking selfie.
No profile photo at ALL is unacceptable. It says you are either married, uncomfortable with who you are, or the only recent photo you have had taken is a mug shot.
If taking a selfie feels weird ask your mom to take a photo of you, or your sister, your cousin, your co-worker, your neighbour, the sales clerk at the hardware store, your dentist, a random stranger, your best friend, the dude you see at the gym. Anyone. Ask anyone.
Every one wants you to meet someone, fall in love and live happily ever after. They will gladly help you get a decent photo to post on your profile. Trust me. Just ask.
If you have managed to post a profile photo please immediately remove any of the following:
~ you holding a fish
~ you with your ex
~ you saying your vows at your wedding
~ you with your kids
~ you finishing a marathon
~ a bathroom selfie
~ a bathroom selfie with the lid up
~ a bathroom selfie with the lip up, unflushed (c’mon!)
~ a bathroom selfie without your shirt on
~ a bathroom selfie where you are flexing
~ a crotch shot of any kind
~ you at the top of a mountain
~ you from really far away
~ you where you look like Buffalo Bill
~ you blackout drunk at the club
~ you laying in bed naked
~ you untagged in a group photo (we are not psychic)
ALL OF THESE HAVE HAPPENED.
Clearly my #imnotsingle status does not make me an expert on online dating. But I do know what I want and my girl gang knows it too. We want love. And laughter. And men who evolve with us.
We discuss the men. The he said/she said of first dates. The having of the sex. And we discuss the hilarity of our online matches. Being online is hard. And vulnerable and scary and total fucking comedy. These tips are just that. Tips.
We all say “why do they all pose with fish?”
If WE are saying that EVERYONE is cause we represent, well, everyone. We are bold, bad ass and putting ourselves out there.
Men. I beg you. Listen to us. Up your chances. Explain your choices. We are curious. Really.
Help us help you.
We are all in this together.
Can I get a witness?
Stay gold wild ones.
Thanks for hanging out with me.