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The Cocktus

“Now go to bed you crazy night owl!
You have to be at NASA early in the morning.

So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope.”

~ Tina Fey


Welcome back to Sex, love and rock n’ roll.

I am dating.

Well, I am trying to date. I am not gonna lie. It’s a challenge.

I wrote about my adventures here and here, and then with complete and utter shame I went to confession here. (don’t judge me)

I realize those were written a while ago but I am still trying and I am still online.

But it’s the fucking Sahara out there. My dating pool isn’t a pool. It’s not even a puddle.

It’s a mirage.

I think I see someone interesting but when I get there it’s bone dry and I end up drinking the sand.

That is not the only thing that is bone dry *ahem* but I digress.

I have tried all the free sites.

Tinder. POF. OKCupid. Bumble.

And it’s the same tired old dicks. Literally.

I refuse to pay to be offended.

Which brings me to today’s sermon.

I want to discuss the phenomenon of receiving unsolicited dick pics.


I said phenomenon. Because it is.

Phenomenon is defined as:

  1. a fact or situation that is observed to exist or happen, especially one whose cause or explanation is in question.
  2. the object of a person’s perception; what the senses or the mind notice.

I will NEVER understand the psychology of this behaviour.

First of all most of these dudes can’t manage to take a selfie of their FACE but somehow have mastered the art of photography when it comes to their penis.

I have received ones edited with filters, ones taken from what I can only imagine are completely uncomfortable contortionist positions, and ones in beginning, middle, and *ahem* end phases (like the moon, but not really). I refer to those ones as the trifecta.

I even received the SAME photo a week apart from a guy. When I called him on it he said “no, I was just thinking of you, it’s real time.” So I sent him a screen shot of the previous week and said “really?

He called me a fucking bitch and I never heard from him again. Aw. Poor me.

Fortunately I have been spared any video but I know it has happened to my friend Carly. She showed me. You can’t unsee that.

My friend Misty received one with just the tip. Barely visible at the bottom of a still life photo. It was like a x-rated version of Where’s Waldo. But again, once you saw it, you couldn’t unsee it.

Some of these masterpieces have been accompanied by such titillating prose as, “ur so hot“, and “you want“, and “you like how big I am.

The last comment I actually responded to and said “I have no idea how big you are. Send me one with a ruler for scale.”

He told me to fuck off. Again, poor me.

But most were with no comment at all.

Just a text alert and you look down and there it fucking is.

Some random guy’s penis that makes you want to bleach your eyeballs.

No warning. None.

I mean really.
It’s just rude.

So what do we do?

If men feel that it is perfectly acceptable to send a photo of their dick to random, unsuspecting women, then I believe I have a moral obligation to make sure as many women as possible see it.

Which brings me to a project I hope to find time for this year.

My intention is to gather these images from the girl gang nationwide and make them into a lovely book.

A coffee table book.

Done in black and white on matte paper.
Large enough to display but not offensively so.
A conversation piece.
Classy and elegant.

I am going to call it:

TEXTUALLY FRUSTRATED – A collection of unsolicited dick pics.

Redefining junk mail in the world of online dating and how one prick can ruin a perfectly good two minute relationship.

You find out life’s this game of inches.
~ Tony D’Amato, Any Given Sunday.
I will need your help. I know a lot of you are out there dating and you have friends who are dating. There will be a submission form and I want your stories.

It’s not ready yet but don’t delete those photos.

Save them.

I need them. And the background story.

Most of mine go like this.

Him: “Hey.
Me: “Hi.”
Me: *headdesk* Annnnnnnd it’s over.

So go out there and date. Keep the book in mind.

We are all in this together. #girlgangforlife

Because I love you I have included a few photos at the end of this letter that you can send in response. They are totally PG because this IS chapel after all. And, I am a lady.

Also, you’re welcome.

I will leave you with this.

Let it be known that tonight is Chinese New year and it is the year of the rooster.

A rooster is known as a cock.

What sound do roosters make at the break of dawn?
No coincidence it’s also the same sound made by, at the same time of day, that tiny hands Voldemort is usually on twitter.

See what I am getting at.

We are surrounded by pricks.

What is happening in the U.S. is beyond terrifying and I am aware. I am not sure what my role is in this but you all know where I stand. I am not dismissing any of it by writing about dick pics. There are many great voices who are speaking about what is going on far better than I can (watch my FB shares if you want to know who I follow).

Maybe my role in all this is to make you laugh a little bit so you can keep fighting. I don’t know exactly but I am trying. I am figuring it out and will be writing about this when I do.

But, as always I have faith.

In resistance.
In not settling.
In fighting back.
In demanding more.

In all ways and always.

But until then….

“I’m not single, I am writing a book.”

Take me to church.

Stay gold wild ones.
Thanks for hanging out with me.

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