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. took today off too. time to just be is so important.

. back on my gallon a day.

. every time we shop he is in a mood and he rushes me and I forget stuff and its fucking annoying but I did get most of the stuff I need to prep for my test on wed.

. cases are up - highest since the pandemic began and i notice its mostly men and young people not masked. why is that? do they think they are immortal? it is privilege? it is a you cant tell me what to do? or are they just selfish assholes mostly? I hate masks cause I get claustrophobic and can’t breathe but I wear one.

. rained all day. glad I got a park sit in yesterday. I hope this is not the end of summer.

. "It's only a dry spell if you are thirsty." - Shrill

. i want someone to take me to the mountains and breathe with me and sit and hold my hand while we marvel at the world.

. Cori Kelly <3 that news was sad. prayers for her family as she travels to the ancestors.

. had my fave pho for the first time since Feb. I needed that healing broth and there was no one in the restaurant.

29

. went to a motorcycle show with Niki but we went to buy jewelry. 25 years ago it would be to flirt with guys and wear cut-offs and cowboy boots and listen to the sound of Harley’s which always makes my nether regions quiver but now it’s amazing jewelry made by a friend and vintage jumpsuits with pockets.

. and after there was fried chicken in my park in the sun and talking for hours.

. it felt…normal. meeting a bestie at the corner, wandering and looking at stalls, making up back stories, sitting in the sun - it feels so long since we did something like that. there have been no flea markets or neighbourhood wide yard sales which is a chunk of our Saturday activity. Even with the masks and the distancing it was familiar. I miss it so much.

. “Sometimes you don’t want “love and light.” Sometimes you want “shadows and secrets.” It isn’t the sun you crave, but the moon. I will sit with you in the dark.” ~ Victoria Erickson

. started in on this show called P Valley about a strip joint deep in Mississippi and I am obsessed.

. completely took the day off from work and after getting the tour page done I needed it and I am so glad I did.

. we both want to redecorate again cause we both hate our couches. makes sense. how can I love my place and hate my couch?

. the moon is eye level and she is talking to me. not full yet but i see her.

. blank slate moon

• candle by Design Judge

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. morning coffee with Effy

. Ritualcravt - my witch adjacent eccentric aunt alter ego loves this aesthetic. it’s one of the places i go to when i fill up carts in the middle of the night and occasionally hit buy when i can afford it. USD exchange and all that….

. i soft launch FBT and my ads are FULL of thin blond basic white women offering launch blueprints and Tony Robbin types offering coaching certification. It’s never ending. All I do is hide and delete. Who are these people?

. craving or longing. are they the same?

. take back your power like the swamp witch you are.

. ordered a moon hook for my bedroom. i will literally obsess over anything lunar. and all the moon stuff I have is going everywhere with me.

. started wearing all my lipsticks at home cause I can’t with a mask and the mask dries out my lips so the lipsticks look off I feel and did some research and apparently charlotte tilbury lip oil is the thing. it’s 45 fucking dollars. my $2.79 white and yellow jar of Carmex just has a panic attack.

. creating and coveting. anything and everything. feels good to be coming home to me.

. lymph nodes

27

. I listen to WAP daily and watch all the videos I can find on it and I do it obsessively because all the backlash pisses me off.

. making lists of what heals.

. i am so annoyed by men who think that they need a badge of courage for standing up to other men as they harass us. i hear this so often from guys who notallmen and who wear the badge of feminist. why do you need undying thanks? You fucking benefit hard from this culture. you don’t get thanks for standing up for us like you are doing us a favour.

. i am not eating well. i can feel it in my skin and my ankles and my blood.

. summer seems to have come back. it’s hot and i am here for it.

. i am craving something and can’t nail down what it is. this is directly related to my shit eating habits the last week. ugh the circle.

. checklists are life saving. i used to be anti list and now I can’t imagine.

. long talks with my S.O.

. watched some mad men and always remember a line Roger said and it is "Since when is forgiveness a better quality than loyalty." and that drives me. I am not a forgiver. I move on. I make peace. I even sometimes forget but the forgiveness gene does not live in me. I have been easily discarded my entire life which is fucked cause when i love someone they stay loved but I know what loyalty looks like to me and that doesn't mean I stick around for abuse or ignore accountability but that word, loyalty to myself and my relationships has served me far more than forgiveness every did.

26

. Jacob Blake.

. Carmen

. my S.O.

. my Yaya.

. my witch

. hand olding otters for life.

. checklists

. tests.

. “all the women in me are tired.” ~ Nayyirah Waheed

25

. I wrote a love letter about why I have plants sometime last year and today in Effy’s ten she wrote this which is pure gold “The thing about planting seeds is that it is such an enormous act of faith. You put these little things that look like nothing in pots of dirt and you water and wait and water and wait and maybe something happens and maybe nothing happens. “

. Chatting with my boo about my afternoon at the DMV yesterday and why I was so spent after and it’s because I haven’t been around that many people in MONTHS. I glide around the grocery store like a ninja but to sit there with all these other masked people was so brutal and weird and foreign. What was supposed to be a half hour appt - a scheduled one - turned much longer cause their system kept going down. I was in my social hisstancing mask thank god. So anyone that came into my space knew to step away. I need to ask Kat where she got her retractable poking stick cause one guy got too close and I wanted to take him out at the kneecaps

. details after details after details

. so glad I had massage therapy today

. Just a note: Your belly fur was where it fell apart. His belly fur is where I grieved. Then her belly fur healed your loss and my heart. And now her belly fur is where i am finding myself. Thank you familiars for holding my everything.

. elysian definition: (adj.) beautiful and creative; divinely inspired; peaceful and perfect

. coveting a longer summer, heightened senses like a werewolf, a facial, a pedicure, new sectional, a 20 year old orange diabetic cat, my dentist to reopen, new fluffy white towels, and a man to spoon me.

. why is my hair so dry still?

. almost there. Tomorrow I think.

24

. I was logging into the stores website to check an item I saw in stories and I am tired and logged into something else community related by accident and now I am excited about a new way to connect.

. one of the things FBT will do is remove shame and handhold people as they do the things they need to do and that they are embarrassed by. I had my brother hold my hand to fix up all my drivers license stuff and it had caused me so much anxiety until I faced it and said out loud why I didn’t have a valid license and started making the steps to it. So now I have my learners back cause I made the appt and it was today and I passed the test and I have my road test scheduled for Dec 31 which was amazing cause when we first logged in they were booking third week of Feb after being covid closed and then like magic Dec 31 popped up and we snagged it. Its a good feeling to tackle that. The rest of my dental work is next. Also delayed cause of covid and I was on SUCH a roll in Jan and Feb with that. No judgment no shame no denying

. just added more expenses to my monthly business expenses with mail chimp upgrade and moon clerk but I am at the point where I need some automation.

. I was thinking about this dude I matched with on Tinder who was in town for a convention and he took me on a date and I brought Carly and we had so much fun but I distinctly remember him telling me - in front of Carly - “that you are not afraid of confrontational conversation because it shows you have expectations and boundaries and that smile of yours and how you speak and hold yourself shows who you are and that is so fucking sexy” and I feel that part of my coming back again and fuck did I miss her.

. practical magic for living wild

. why isn’t Wyatt Earp with Val Kilmer on one of my streaming services? I have a need to “i’m your huckleberry.”

. 2020 has been full of fuckery. I can’t wait to gather.

. fuck that chick and her ignorant menopausal emails.

. fuck I am tired.

23

. a 20 year old orange cat with diabetes looking for a home was posted on my next door app this morning. he had been dropped at a vet in the neighbourhood to be put down but something in his spirit made the vet treat him instead and he is doing well now and living at the vets but the vet would like him to be in a forever home for as long as he has. My heart. i want him so bad. i have already built a schedule around lola’s meds but i don’t know if she is good with other cats. lots of responses from people in the hood offering to give him a retirement home so that made me happy. what is it about these seniors?

. thinking about Sarah Cooper and how she said she was jealous at how men can say anything and they are believed and how she wishes she could bullshit her way through life. anytime I tell a guy about imitation he says its not a big deal and no one can do what i do and while i appreciate the sentiment its more that they can’t comprehend it cause they are always listened to about everything.

. when I say “natural” and “wild” in FBT registration I worry how those words have been twisted by wellness. I don’t mean never shave your legs or shit like that. I mean it as a shedding of conformity and shoulds and supposed to’s. Still writing that page so it’s not a million paragraphs long. I’ll get there.

. I am practicing for a “signs and signals” test at the DMV tomorrow. I got my learners at 13 and my drivers on my 16th bday and because of fuckery and stress here I am RE-WRITING my fucking learners at 52. The time I spent caring for others and letting my own shit slide is so much wasted time. But here I am. Not putting things off and that feels good.

. Watched some weird movie on the weekend about an Arkansas drug lord and there was a line that I paused the movie to write down. One of the drug lord’s workers was killed and the person that found them said what are we going to say? and the dude said “we’ll say he went to Oklahoma. you throw in a couple of details but you don’t worry if the listener believes the story or not. It’s the apathy of authority.” and then the other guy nodded and this goes back to the Sarah Cooper bit. The apathy of authority, How little you care and can shrug off questions if you are perceived to be in authority. there is so much more here to dig into around all these secret messages.

. purge

. i hope this is not the last bit of warm summer weather. I am not ready.

. “Tell me it isn’t magic, the way you heal yourself.” ~ Pavana

. my anxiety has me filling up carts at 3am all over the internet.

22

. I think I need a Patrick Swayze film festival. Ghost. Dirty Dancing. Point Break. Outsiders.

. I am going to make myself a birthday wish list of all the things I covet in one place because I am worthy of what i want. Plus people keep asking what I want lol

. Jacquelyn asked me how I was feeling and told me she thinks about me and my past mysterious health problems and that meant so much. The isolation of covid and beings single and having no parents always makes me feel lonely so when she said that I felt love. I can’t wait to go back on tour so we can all love up on each other.

. I know I am in my zone here because everywhere I look there are messages about community care vs self care and that is one of the MAIN things about FBT. The community care aspect. I fucking love with when the universe keeps throwing these little affirmations my way like it’s saying you got this. This is right.

. checked out V.V. today - it was practically empty so I felt safe - and I miss thrifting so much. The hunt for vintage and also to see what speaks to me and who it reminds me of so I can send people things. I sent out something last week and she got it Friday and messaged me and said it arrived at just the right time. I can’t wait to do more of that. Snail mail surprises are a love language

. the sexual tension between…and the for me it’s the … threads on twitter are hilarious. I love it so.

. sales pages are my krptonite

. this page and all the pre work I am doing for the Full Bush Tour got me thinking the first course I ever did 7 or 8 years ago. I don’t even remember how long. The Unprogram. We thought it was such a clever name because that is what it was. Un-programming all the stuff society and culture and religion and school and your family told women they should be. The branding was nothing like anything we had seen before and neither was the language. We could not believe in a surreal wtf sort of way that someone bought something we created. Something that came from our chutzpah, from disgust of an industry I was a BABY in, from collaboration with my yaya and us being ballsy enough to say lets write this and sell it in a time before online courses were the huge thing they are now. I am intensely proud of that moment and cried when the first paypal notification came up. It's still a thrill when people buy my words and crazy ideas but that first one will live in me forever. 

. “I’ve met myself and it’s a lot." - Carolyn Fine -hahaha this. It’s a lot but in no way am I too much.

.* cover photo by @sammijefcoate - I worship her style / unprogram image by Pink Kloud Creative

21

.

. Effy and i have been doing these for a minute now and have been popping over to each others sites and commenting every day. do you remember when you read something from someone you liked and you actually commented on their blog? that’s a throwback to the early days and I am loving it. I want more of it.

. scar tissue

. I don’t want to be with someone who is grumpy all the fucking time. I used to have a friend who had a grumpy husband and I wondered how exhausting that was. I watched Hope Springs on Netflix and he was grumpy and I wanted Meryl to leave him.

. love when these pop up n memories cause this came up today - going through my notebook of secret messages and i found notes on a story i read about the worlds loneliest frog who has been in a frog conservatory for ten years cause the species is about to go extinct but they just found 5 more in a cloud bog and have brought them to the conservatory and this frog named Romeo is getting a girlfriend and it made me really love this world we live in sometimes and I hope they boogie down and have babies so the species can continue. my hilarious friend suggested Barry White and a nice chardonnay to get things going and I fucking love the people I know so much.

. i want to hang upside down like a bat and stretch until I go back to my 5'7" cause i feel like I am shrinking.

. the Svaha. that moment between the time you hear the thunder til you see the lightning.

. my friend lives in the jungle in Mexico and is in the path of the hurricane and she posted yesterday “The wild life is SILENT If that’s not a hint. Something is coming” and it gave me chills. How animals and nature know. Then I watched the first episode of Connected and this guy tracked the migration of these birds from Delaware to Brazil every year but the weird part was they would change when they went south. so he dug in to find out what that could be and they did it to avoid hurricanes. for 20 years he tracked their migration and then compared it to the hurricanes and then compared that to the scientists and meteorologist predictions and the birds KNEW. every single time. They got out of the way long before there was any evidence of a hurricane. they knew and left on that schedule of knowing. the secret messages in this are blowing me away. how about trusting our own knowing is one. more to come.

. "it was in my flaws I found a much deeper truth - and it is from them. I bloom: a black rose." ~ Segovia Amil - stumbled on this in FBT notes and isn’t this the truth. what I hate others love and who told me to hate these parts anyway and why did I listen? again, more secret messages

. a mild case of something the last two days. I think there was curry in something cause I felt poisoned. Headache and cramping. ugh finally feeling like myself.

20

. Elizabeth said “conga rats” today and I am officially adopting that phrase. With credit of course.

. “do you have a skeleton key make of human bone that opens the door to a land of magical animals?” Came across this quote in my FBT notes from Suzanne in Orange Is the New Black and I really needed to be reminded that things exist just because we have an imagination.

. Carmen NAILED my vision for the FBT graphics. She really understands the chaos of my mind.

. the smell of mornings. its colder in the mornings now and was raining today. I hope that’s not the last of our heat wave. We didn’t get enough of a summer. too cold for mid august in my opinion. i give Lola her medicine and she gives me a dirty look and then forgets about it and screams at me to open the patio door so she can survey her queendom. i step outside in my furry grandma slippers and look to my right at the skyline of my city and the left as the sun is coming up I take a deep breath and it always smells clean. Like fresh laundry dried on the line. It's a beginning and I'll take it.

. reclamation reinvention rebirth reckoning revolution release recovery redemption reformation recreation

. fall we reclaim and set up foundations, winter we hibernate in devotion and see what needs to be born, spring we let it out and really bloom and summer we bring sexy back

. I fell off my gallon a day for a bit and now I am back on and all I do is pee

. I haven’t played with my makeup in a while. I should now that I am blond. See what I can do differently. Should do my clothes too.

. everything hurts from my massage therapy appt.

19

. “the sexual tension between the moon and the ocean” - saw that on twitter this morning (@sokkasupreme) and had to write it down.

. @sammiejefcoate all black looks are giving me life on IG today.

. referring to yesterdays protecting men comment when i write things about that guy people say don’t write unflattering things about that guy. and to me it’s more tell that guy not to do things that make me write unflattering posts. how about that. how about dudes stop doing the fucking least and go to therapy and not put all the healing on us. Effy and I discussed this at length. more to come.

. did anyone notice in Good Omens how the four horsemen were portrayed? pollution was Asian. Famine was Black. War was American. I know nothing about Neil Gaiman so I am not sure if this is on point for him or not.

. I must have some weird accent my phone doesn’t recognize cause when I voice record notes and memos the shit it writes is hilarious.

. I am deep in prep mode and I love this feeling.

. "as if you were on fire from within, the moon lives in the lining of your skin." Neruda - mmmmmm

. g suite email and my site are not cooperating to use my name. is mamacat at my domain too much?

. it felt good to say that out loud and get it out of my system.

.

18

. “we are all made of stars” ~ Chani Nicholas - virgo new moon: Without a time-out, it’s nearly impossible to be connected to what moves me, heals me, and holds me. What I do behind the scenes is the reason that I can do everything else. No amount of affection I show myself is ever in vain. With this New Moon, I remember to withhold no love from myself. I imagine what it would be to feel flooded with it each morning; to start the day caring for myself instead of rushing; appreciating what I was about to receive instead of assuming it would be there for me. I know that pain makes it harder to experience gratitude, connection, and ease. I know that when I am suffering, I curl up into myself and forget how to extend outward for help. I know that it’s normal to feel alone but it’s not helpful to pretend that it’s the whole truth. When I am unsure of how to bridge my sorrow with my strength, I remember to get curious, ask questions, and start the necessary research. I know that the more I allow myself to seek wisdom, the more easily it finds me. Like turning on a signal, being in relationship with the answers I need means putting myself out there instead of assuming they’ll show up when and how I want them to. - this is exactly what I needed. routine into ritual. if I forget that I am fucked. Reminders come when I need reminding.

. i love the nicknames the wild ones have for me. mamacat, momcat, chief ladybird, wolfmama. i love it. i really do. it makes me feel seen.

. watched a lightning storm that went on for hours. It must have started over the island because at first there was no thunder. As it got closer I could hear it. It was gorgeous and no storms like this is one of the things i miss about not living on the prairies.

. the luxury of massage therapy

. (un)well on netflix is basically 6 episodes of look how white people take what isn’t theirs and then royally fuck it up. It’s elitist and classist and ableist and fatphobic all the way. what a train wreck.

. why are we so quick to put all the healing on women and why are we so quick to lean towards silence to protect the ones who hurt us. don’t women have reputations? More on this when i am less tired.

. I over complicated it. fuck.

. back to basics. my work speaks and simple is a love language

. vorfreude definition: (n.) the joyful, intense anticipation that comes from imagining future pleasures.

17

. i am so visual and what anchors these courses I create is madly important to me. the imagery is a vibe and its the details and lives in my bones and soul in a way that connects me to the words. there is a method to my madness that I might try to explain one day lol. the ones with my matriarchs in caftans have been amazing for the shorter courses like Faster Pussycat and Reinvention Tour but this one…its almost a year long so there are so many parts to it. Now to get that symbolism into images that can hold it all.

. and having said that I immediately think i might be over complicating it. ease. simplicity. space. hmmm

. showing Carly peacock photos last night talking about the tour and she runs off all these interesting peacock facts one of which is they scream. you know I love that. I said to her “how do you know so much about peacocks?”. Did she do a book report in middle school? This kind of interaction remains one of my very faves with people I love. You think you know them so well they feel like they are part of your soul and you have the same blood in your veins and they come out with stuff you never even knew they knew. i can’t get enough of it.

. she made me pick fonts. SO MANY CHOICES. My poor Virgo brain.

. the mumbling is getting annoying

. that one stubborn chin hair

. thinking of selling that rattan dresser cause the market is hot.

. had a conversation about some goings on and i realized it takes guts to leave a situation that is working because of the promise and hope of something else. it will be ok always

. solivagant definition: (adj) wandering along

16

. Elizabeth has been reporting on her drunken fly and I remember the largest bumble bee I have ever seen that used to visit me last year. It was so big it sounded like a helicopter was landing in my living room and she would fly around drunkenly until she found the door and would fly off in a little twerky huff back to whatever bee business was calling her. I remember when that guy found a bumble bee on the balcony and gently fed it sugar water until it was able to fly again and I watched it all from the doorway and remembered why I spent over a decade with him. He cares about creatures but his hangovers get in the way of caring for me the same way consistently. Now bees remind me of him.

. this heat wave is something. I was talking to Effy today and told her it is so still and quiet outside and she said it’s the kind of heat that shimmers. It does. It shimmers and glitters and everyone is so quiet and I get why tropical countries have siestas and rest in the afternoon. its a beautiful way to be.

. i wish i had the energy and money to create a beautiful garden out on my balcony this spring. next year if if i am still here.

. soft premiere of fbt - there is actually a snippet on the site about how ferns grow unihibited in the wild and we are ferns

. added a shop to my site today.

. "august of another summer, and once again I am drinking the sun, and the lilies again are spread across the water." Mary Oliver

. I put the dishes away last night and I wished I had teak or rough wood hand made open shelves in my kitchen because all of my dishes and mugs and glasses are vintage and interesting and I love that look of open shelves and noodles and spices and nuts in mason jars and small plants and interesting salt and pepper shakers and a random ceramic animal that shouldn't be in the kitchen but just works tucked in between the dishes and a vase of wildflowers and a cute vintage cream and sugar set and lots of pottery and green and white subway tile backsplash (don't care if that look is "over") or tiny blue ceramic tiles and a white rug in front of the sink cause who cares if it gets dirty I can wash it and stainless steel appliances and my shark lamp on the fridge and african violets in clay pots on the counter and a giant vintage wood bowl of fruit and that is how i would have renovated my condo kitchen and not the stark white with grey wood floors that i saw in the photos. that reno had no life in it and it makes me sad.

. I feel myself coming back

. peacocks in jewelry and disco fonts

15

. I am not a pessimistic personality but the selfishness of people has made me more cynical than usual. The not wearing a mask, judgement at people who got cerb, the take this time to do more more more attitude in the middle of this fuckery etc has pissed me off. I feel like my edges are razor sharp and soft as feathers at the same time.

. routine into ritual. cycle of seasons and moons. our years and not calendar years. fbt

. been redecorating my old condo in my mind cause i feel it deserves that and that it is an integral part of my healing. i would put a mini barre in the bedroom for stretching and a big mirror. there was room for that even though it was under 500 sq ft.

. writing fbt and thinking about cheating in so many ways and what that does to us. on ourselves and our wants and by other people and remembered one of them who worked back east and i literally knew the moment he began cheating and called him in the middle of the night. he denied and denied anytime i said we are long distance right now you are free to move on i just feel like i am going crazy and he would ledge talk me and i would deny my gut. specifically remembering having lunch with someone that knew us both and they said you are not yourself and i confessed i was making myself crazy with this cheating thing and asked is he trustworthy cause they had known him for 20 years and they said he is and its ok and he loves you and i found out later that before we had that convo this person had actually met them in montreal or someplace and had dinner with them and still sat there and told me i was being crazy cause he loved me. didn’t know the term gaslighting then but holy fuck.

. told that guy that story and he got this specific look on his face that guys get when they hear women say anything negative about men. part terrified and part pissed off. why do self professed good guys always get that look? why are they so uncomfortable?

. @grumpybarbara’s social hisstancing masks are a hit everywhere I go.

. fucking thyroid. now I am off gluten AND dairy AND tomatoes. Misty had a grilled cheese with tomato on perfect wheat bread on her stories the other day and I can’t stop thinking about it. i am so jealous.

. I might have an Edward Norton film festival tonight. I love him.

. "I believe. That's how I get through everything." ~ Sonali Sharma

14

. remembering my power through the eyes of wild enchantment

. he came home drunk and was loudly snoring on the couch 3 minutes later. I fucking hate it so much.

. I broke down and googled my old condo that I paid 82 for and the last listing had it for sale for 440. it made me feel sick. i would be mortgage free this year. they had renovated it. Wrongly. It’s like they never knew it or got to know it and that bothered me almost as much as the price. what buying that meant to me and how that place was magic. from the moment I walked in. I knew it was the one. the floor colour is wrong. the kitchen it too sterile. the bathroom is too sterile. that place was full of life. until it wasn’t. I hate that i sold it cause i didn’t know how to handle the fact that he died and mom was sick and my company was moving. that i didn’t feel i deserved what i had. that maybe i was someway responsible still. its one of the biggest things i need to make peace with myself for an that is still in process. it has helped to see it again cause in my mind it was my home and now with those renovations I recognize it but the feeling is different.

. heat wave coming this week. perfect. i am here for it cause i can feel fall on its way and this might be the last blast for a while.

. start on a new moon and end on a full moon. fbt

. no apologies. no shame. fbt

. Ramona on RHONY reminds me of my old BFF. the accusation then the avoidance and refusal for accountability and the passive aggressiveness and expects everyone to come to her and won’t go to them and I didn’t recognize it when i was in it. the labour. the never knowing. the dislike she had for me. but i sure do now. it’s making that show hard to watch and i love that show.

. buying myself photoshop for my birthday. new creative process.

. my memories reminded me I posted this line a few years ago and it remains one of my fave lines of all time. "The awful thoughts that would make Jesus drink gin straight out of the cat dish." ~ Small Victories, by Anne Lamott - the imagery of this delights me. 

13

. one month til my 53rd birthday. this is always such a productive time for me. sun is out. it’s warm. it’s my pre new year.

. got my period for the first time in 1.5 maybe 2 years. its been so long I forgot the symptoms. exhaustion, sadness, depression, headache. but here we are. does this mean i am still peri meno or full meno? I need to look that up.

. was digging for tea in the back of the cupboard and found a half eaten bag of Lays chips. That has never happened before. I am usually licking the bag clean. I can’t remember when I bought Lay’s last. Who am I?

. grateful for my ancient queen to reflect some stuff back to me and keep me accountable to what i want in a long convo yesterday. it shifted a bunch of things keeping me stuck. like my industry and patreon and wellness and what I really do

. time for another closet purge. things are getting packed in there and I am not sure how cause I haven’t been thrifting or shopping.

. “ I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.” ~ D.H. Lawrence - no idea why this quote popped into my head fully remembered yesterday. First time I heard it was in the movie G.I. Jane lol.

. i feel different. is it because I am bleeding or my hair is done or my thyroid is healing or we have had consecutive days of sun or because I am deep in creative mode or the inflammation is down more consecutive days than it rears up or my plants are happy or or or…i don’t LOOK different except my hair. It’s deeper and I don’t even know if it’s happy because the anxiety is still my constant lurker but something has shifted.

. i need to honestly yelp review my surgeon to get it out of my system and off my chest. Literally and metaphorically cause it is my chest.

. is it safe to go to the dentist? i am pissed cases of covid are increasing in BC for a few days in a row now.

12

. two of my fave people in the world were born today. Isabel and Niki I love you both like the sun.

. that photo of us 9 years ago.

. fake buying and redecorating houses is keeping me sane.

. why won’t my legs tan?

. we were obsessed with Carl the Ikea monkey. his little shearling jacket and that look

. I wish I could talk to Mr. Burkhart my grade 5 teacher.

. realized that I only eat veggies cause i have to. I don’t really like most of them I just tolerate them. so it’s a struggle but this thyroid biz is a bitch.

. spanish

. treating myself in small and lovely ways

• house link https://www.facebook.com/ForTheLoveOfOldHouses/posts/2933526623580038

11

. It felt good to get some more artwork up and off the floor.

. creating a little meditation space/ altar for myself. I need it. Remembering the importance of my love language of space and honouring it.

. stumbled onto a site that had bears rescued from bile farms and had a good cathartic cry

. I may destroy you is one of the best shows illustrating what women deal with all the fucking time.

. Talking with my friend Cat today about the last few months and she said all the “I am so organized” and “I am working out every day” and “ I needed this time” is making her feel like she failed her pandemic and isn’t that just the perfect sentence. “I failed my pandemic.” Like we are supposed to take lemons and make lemonade out of every single fucking thing.

. watched Sonya Renee Taylor’s live about how her community paid off her student loans and the trust that was involved in that and it was so beautiful and I am glad to be a part of it. I had to send my contribution to the person who was making the payments cause the system didn’t accept my canadian credit card and I didn’t think twice about it. Because SRT has built a community I get and understand and I feel the same about mine. No one would fuck someone over with a donation. proud of that.

. “My old friend, the owner of a new boat, stops by to ask me to fish with him. and i say I will - both of us knowing that we may never get around to it, it may be years before we’re both idle again on the same day. but we make a plan, anyhow. in honour of friendship and the find spring weather and the new boat and our sudden thought of the water shining under the morning fog.” ~ The Plan from Peace of Wild Things by wendell Berry. This got me.

. i am always so nervous about new work and it is always wildly received and i need to work on that in therapy

. the days are getting shorter already. It’s too soon.

*photo by @sammijefcoate (one of my fave fashion accounts)