17

. i am so visual and what anchors these courses I create is madly important to me. the imagery is a vibe and its the details and lives in my bones and soul in a way that connects me to the words. there is a method to my madness that I might try to explain one day lol. the ones with my matriarchs in caftans have been amazing for the shorter courses like Faster Pussycat and Reinvention Tour but this one…its almost a year long so there are so many parts to it. Now to get that symbolism into images that can hold it all.

. and having said that I immediately think i might be over complicating it. ease. simplicity. space. hmmm

. showing Carly peacock photos last night talking about the tour and she runs off all these interesting peacock facts one of which is they scream. you know I love that. I said to her “how do you know so much about peacocks?”. Did she do a book report in middle school? This kind of interaction remains one of my very faves with people I love. You think you know them so well they feel like they are part of your soul and you have the same blood in your veins and they come out with stuff you never even knew they knew. i can’t get enough of it.

. she made me pick fonts. SO MANY CHOICES. My poor Virgo brain.

. the mumbling is getting annoying

. that one stubborn chin hair

. thinking of selling that rattan dresser cause the market is hot.

. had a conversation about some goings on and i realized it takes guts to leave a situation that is working because of the promise and hope of something else. it will be ok always

. solivagant definition: (adj) wandering along

16

. Elizabeth has been reporting on her drunken fly and I remember the largest bumble bee I have ever seen that used to visit me last year. It was so big it sounded like a helicopter was landing in my living room and she would fly around drunkenly until she found the door and would fly off in a little twerky huff back to whatever bee business was calling her. I remember when that guy found a bumble bee on the balcony and gently fed it sugar water until it was able to fly again and I watched it all from the doorway and remembered why I spent over a decade with him. He cares about creatures but his hangovers get in the way of caring for me the same way consistently. Now bees remind me of him.

. this heat wave is something. I was talking to Effy today and told her it is so still and quiet outside and she said it’s the kind of heat that shimmers. It does. It shimmers and glitters and everyone is so quiet and I get why tropical countries have siestas and rest in the afternoon. its a beautiful way to be.

. i wish i had the energy and money to create a beautiful garden out on my balcony this spring. next year if if i am still here.

. soft premiere of fbt - there is actually a snippet on the site about how ferns grow unihibited in the wild and we are ferns

. added a shop to my site today.

. "august of another summer, and once again I am drinking the sun, and the lilies again are spread across the water." Mary Oliver

. I put the dishes away last night and I wished I had teak or rough wood hand made open shelves in my kitchen because all of my dishes and mugs and glasses are vintage and interesting and I love that look of open shelves and noodles and spices and nuts in mason jars and small plants and interesting salt and pepper shakers and a random ceramic animal that shouldn't be in the kitchen but just works tucked in between the dishes and a vase of wildflowers and a cute vintage cream and sugar set and lots of pottery and green and white subway tile backsplash (don't care if that look is "over") or tiny blue ceramic tiles and a white rug in front of the sink cause who cares if it gets dirty I can wash it and stainless steel appliances and my shark lamp on the fridge and african violets in clay pots on the counter and a giant vintage wood bowl of fruit and that is how i would have renovated my condo kitchen and not the stark white with grey wood floors that i saw in the photos. that reno had no life in it and it makes me sad.

. I feel myself coming back

. peacocks in jewelry and disco fonts

15

. I am not a pessimistic personality but the selfishness of people has made me more cynical than usual. The not wearing a mask, judgement at people who got cerb, the take this time to do more more more attitude in the middle of this fuckery etc has pissed me off. I feel like my edges are razor sharp and soft as feathers at the same time.

. routine into ritual. cycle of seasons and moons. our years and not calendar years. fbt

. been redecorating my old condo in my mind cause i feel it deserves that and that it is an integral part of my healing. i would put a mini barre in the bedroom for stretching and a big mirror. there was room for that even though it was under 500 sq ft.

. writing fbt and thinking about cheating in so many ways and what that does to us. on ourselves and our wants and by other people and remembered one of them who worked back east and i literally knew the moment he began cheating and called him in the middle of the night. he denied and denied anytime i said we are long distance right now you are free to move on i just feel like i am going crazy and he would ledge talk me and i would deny my gut. specifically remembering having lunch with someone that knew us both and they said you are not yourself and i confessed i was making myself crazy with this cheating thing and asked is he trustworthy cause they had known him for 20 years and they said he is and its ok and he loves you and i found out later that before we had that convo this person had actually met them in montreal or someplace and had dinner with them and still sat there and told me i was being crazy cause he loved me. didn’t know the term gaslighting then but holy fuck.

. told that guy that story and he got this specific look on his face that guys get when they hear women say anything negative about men. part terrified and part pissed off. why do self professed good guys always get that look? why are they so uncomfortable?

. @grumpybarbara’s social hisstancing masks are a hit everywhere I go.

. fucking thyroid. now I am off gluten AND dairy AND tomatoes. Misty had a grilled cheese with tomato on perfect wheat bread on her stories the other day and I can’t stop thinking about it. i am so jealous.

. I might have an Edward Norton film festival tonight. I love him.

. "I believe. That's how I get through everything." ~ Sonali Sharma

14

. remembering my power through the eyes of wild enchantment

. he came home drunk and was loudly snoring on the couch 3 minutes later. I fucking hate it so much.

. I broke down and googled my old condo that I paid 82 for and the last listing had it for sale for 440. it made me feel sick. i would be mortgage free this year. they had renovated it. Wrongly. It’s like they never knew it or got to know it and that bothered me almost as much as the price. what buying that meant to me and how that place was magic. from the moment I walked in. I knew it was the one. the floor colour is wrong. the kitchen it too sterile. the bathroom is too sterile. that place was full of life. until it wasn’t. I hate that i sold it cause i didn’t know how to handle the fact that he died and mom was sick and my company was moving. that i didn’t feel i deserved what i had. that maybe i was someway responsible still. its one of the biggest things i need to make peace with myself for an that is still in process. it has helped to see it again cause in my mind it was my home and now with those renovations I recognize it but the feeling is different.

. heat wave coming this week. perfect. i am here for it cause i can feel fall on its way and this might be the last blast for a while.

. start on a new moon and end on a full moon. fbt

. no apologies. no shame. fbt

. Ramona on RHONY reminds me of my old BFF. the accusation then the avoidance and refusal for accountability and the passive aggressiveness and expects everyone to come to her and won’t go to them and I didn’t recognize it when i was in it. the labour. the never knowing. the dislike she had for me. but i sure do now. it’s making that show hard to watch and i love that show.

. buying myself photoshop for my birthday. new creative process.

. my memories reminded me I posted this line a few years ago and it remains one of my fave lines of all time. "The awful thoughts that would make Jesus drink gin straight out of the cat dish." ~ Small Victories, by Anne Lamott - the imagery of this delights me. 

13

. one month til my 53rd birthday. this is always such a productive time for me. sun is out. it’s warm. it’s my pre new year.

. got my period for the first time in 1.5 maybe 2 years. its been so long I forgot the symptoms. exhaustion, sadness, depression, headache. but here we are. does this mean i am still peri meno or full meno? I need to look that up.

. was digging for tea in the back of the cupboard and found a half eaten bag of Lays chips. That has never happened before. I am usually licking the bag clean. I can’t remember when I bought Lay’s last. Who am I?

. grateful for my ancient queen to reflect some stuff back to me and keep me accountable to what i want in a long convo yesterday. it shifted a bunch of things keeping me stuck. like my industry and patreon and wellness and what I really do

. time for another closet purge. things are getting packed in there and I am not sure how cause I haven’t been thrifting or shopping.

. “ I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.” ~ D.H. Lawrence - no idea why this quote popped into my head fully remembered yesterday. First time I heard it was in the movie G.I. Jane lol.

. i feel different. is it because I am bleeding or my hair is done or my thyroid is healing or we have had consecutive days of sun or because I am deep in creative mode or the inflammation is down more consecutive days than it rears up or my plants are happy or or or…i don’t LOOK different except my hair. It’s deeper and I don’t even know if it’s happy because the anxiety is still my constant lurker but something has shifted.

. i need to honestly yelp review my surgeon to get it out of my system and off my chest. Literally and metaphorically cause it is my chest.

. is it safe to go to the dentist? i am pissed cases of covid are increasing in BC for a few days in a row now.

12

. two of my fave people in the world were born today. Isabel and Niki I love you both like the sun.

. that photo of us 9 years ago.

. fake buying and redecorating houses is keeping me sane.

. why won’t my legs tan?

. we were obsessed with Carl the Ikea monkey. his little shearling jacket and that look

. I wish I could talk to Mr. Burkhart my grade 5 teacher.

. realized that I only eat veggies cause i have to. I don’t really like most of them I just tolerate them. so it’s a struggle but this thyroid biz is a bitch.

. spanish

. treating myself in small and lovely ways

• house link https://www.facebook.com/ForTheLoveOfOldHouses/posts/2933526623580038

11

. It felt good to get some more artwork up and off the floor.

. creating a little meditation space/ altar for myself. I need it. Remembering the importance of my love language of space and honouring it.

. stumbled onto a site that had bears rescued from bile farms and had a good cathartic cry

. I may destroy you is one of the best shows illustrating what women deal with all the fucking time.

. Talking with my friend Cat today about the last few months and she said all the “I am so organized” and “I am working out every day” and “ I needed this time” is making her feel like she failed her pandemic and isn’t that just the perfect sentence. “I failed my pandemic.” Like we are supposed to take lemons and make lemonade out of every single fucking thing.

. watched Sonya Renee Taylor’s live about how her community paid off her student loans and the trust that was involved in that and it was so beautiful and I am glad to be a part of it. I had to send my contribution to the person who was making the payments cause the system didn’t accept my canadian credit card and I didn’t think twice about it. Because SRT has built a community I get and understand and I feel the same about mine. No one would fuck someone over with a donation. proud of that.

. “My old friend, the owner of a new boat, stops by to ask me to fish with him. and i say I will - both of us knowing that we may never get around to it, it may be years before we’re both idle again on the same day. but we make a plan, anyhow. in honour of friendship and the find spring weather and the new boat and our sudden thought of the water shining under the morning fog.” ~ The Plan from Peace of Wild Things by wendell Berry. This got me.

. i am always so nervous about new work and it is always wildly received and i need to work on that in therapy

. the days are getting shorter already. It’s too soon.

*photo by @sammijefcoate (one of my fave fashion accounts)

10

. Patreon thoughts. Thank you Monica. x

. I miss yard sales and flea markets.

. Lola spent the entire day sleeping under her cat tree on her back with curl paws. her cute might kill me.

. thinking about some things a friend said on a comment thread about other people who comment and how she called them “joiners” and said they “jumped on” and I hate that because if implies that the people I am in community with are not capable of forming their own opinions and it’s just rude to imply that when people are genuinely asking for clarification on a statement.

. find your people and the spaces that help you keep it together so you have capacity for the revolution - FBT

. the sheer luxury of grocery delivery.

. I bought kale but only for smoothies cause the texture of it in a salad is gross. I stand by that.

. all the men who want a freak in bed who are clutching their pearls over WAP. spare me

. “ choose your favourite spade and dig a small, deep hole, located deep in the forest or a desolate area of the desert or tundra. bury your cell phone and then find a hobby.” ~ Nick Offerman, Paddle Your Own Canoe - from the chapter work hard, work dirty.

9

. park sitting

. born in the summer of love 1967. when is my next one?

. earnest ice cream. vegan chocolate

. it’s gonna take 2 pots of coffee today. actual caf

. so many plans

. I need to rig up a clothesline or replace my air dryer that broke

. Ikea stockholm 2017 was the best collection

. paid the exchange rate and was charged an extra 26 bucks in custom fees. the post office guy said they are seeing way more charges than they used to

. has the industry killed the words brave, inspiring, and courageous for people who are living their lives in all that is real and complex? need to noodle this

8

. I watched a documentary on Stevie Nicks and I am Stevie blond. That transformation continues…

. 3 different neighbours are having parties like covid never happened and I want to go ballistic.

. AM radio - there are memories stored in these stations

. my fern is struggling. what is it with me and ferns?

. mellifluous

. “how wild it was, to let it be.” ~ Cheryl Strayed, Wild

. eyeshadows in all the 70’s colours.

. pomegranate, fern, 8 point star, wolfs, maybe a snake. Full Bush

. reels on IG. How?

7

. thinking about the mama orca who carried her dead calf for days and how I was obsessed with her grief and now she is pregnant again and I so badly want her baby to thrive.

. should I make Leonard a squirrel couch?

. wrapped up some surprises to send in the mail today. I need to figure out how to get people who want it on a list with random get to know you questions and addresses.

. all the tags this week from people who did adorn sessions is giving me life and I needed that. this work is deep and it lingers.

. the wolf and the witch are both in the mountains and i want to move into their photos.

. “even if you are a small forest surviving off of moon alone. your light is extraordinary.” ~ reminder, Nayyirah Waheed

. I am annoyed by man caves. I was looking online for vintage bar ware (very 70's and very Megan Draper) and I wanted to see what stuff was going for. were. MOST of the marketing was for man caves. like women don't drink or have home bars? I love an interesting bar cart. are cocktails for men only and the rest of us are wine moms? what the fuck.

. my brother turns 54 today and i am glad he is here and even when we don’t see eye to eye there is deep love there.

. fresh raspberries

6

. In Japanese culture, cherry blossoms represent the fragility and beauty of life and they always remind me of my S.O. who I saw today for the first time in 7 years and we picked up right where we left off. it felt like I just saw her yesterday.

. every time i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I am startled by the blond.

. “life finds a way.” - Jeff Goldblum, Jurassic Park.

. bought Jenny Jinya’s comic book “Loving Reaper” and it arrived today I adore it. It includes the stories Black Cats and Good Boy and makes me cry but her messages are so important to challenge these stereotypes.

. do you gain more followers if you post nudes? while i was curating my insta feed to show aging women I was looking at all these 30 something women I followed and was dying to work with at this time last year and receive their patreon rewards and sign up with and then had muted at some point because of whatever reason. (how things change! never ceases to surprise me) but I noticed that there is something about posting nudes that gains social capital and followers. that if you don't fit the european standard of beauty - in body only  - and dare to post a pic of you getting out of the bath that your likes will increase tenfold and the comment thread will be huge but only if you are white and I am baffled by my feelings around this. Is it brave? It is edgy? none of them got deleted. it's just comment after comment and their courses fill up and books get sold and I don't do nudes. not even to guys I am fucking. and it’s not cause I am uncomfortable nude or hate my body its because there are some things that I want to save for me and I don’t know if that makes sense or not. so will I remain small in the wide ocean of women who do this work ? I talk about diet culture and fatphobia and how it fucks us up. is that landing without visuals? I haven't quite got a grasp on what I am feeling but there is something there - besides the white women celebrated vs black women deleted. 

. seasons

. monsoon rained allllll day.

. its natural that Plant Parenthood will go with The Full Bush Tour. obvs

. searching for the perfect imagery. i love this part.

5

. I remembered sitting there for 6 hours that in the early 80’s I worked Saturday’s at a hair salon called Hair 2000 and there was a stylist named Dagmar and I was obsessed with her. she had this mad 80’s punkish new wave style and I wanted to be her.

. he said it is killing both of us and he needs to look at the big picture.

. it makes me really uncomfortable to see people sitting in restaurants like covid isn’t a thing.

. I am like the FBI with that attic suite across the lane. I have a literal file on it. and a secret pinterest board.

. so many secret messages today. they come at me fast and furious sometimes and sometimes they linger in the air floating around me. they are my oracle and live in everything and everywhere for me. they root in between my ribcage and the inhale and exhale waiting for me to decipher them. hovering. breathing in an out with me. patiently in wait. I love them.

. tomorrow is breakfast at tiffany’s and I can’t wait

. the shimmer of pink skies that is only at this time of year.

. i might add sleep to my love languages.

. “You have belonged better in your own arms than in anyone else’s. Remember you are the softest love you will ever have.” ~ Belonging, Nikita Gill

4

. she died on election night at 7:05 pm 5 years ago and I wonder what she would say and what my dad would say about the shit show of politics all over the world because they were interested and informed and it was always a topic of conversation.

. woke up at 5 am and looked outside and the moon was blood orange and peeking at me over the trees. It was stunning and I felt seen.

. big little lies

. I need a personal chef.

. this heat is healing me. Even with the meno symptoms I am made for this heat.

. excited for tomorrow

. Full Bush september to august. and so it is.

. @roblowe did a 6 minute skin care video on his IG and I was mesmerized. He is a forever crush since the Outsiders (stay gold Ponyboy) and my mom fell in love with him on West Wing.

. “out of backyard posies permitted to fringe the proud hanky lawn her imagination hummed and made honey, occasionally exploding in mad queen swarms. I am her only novel. The plot is melodramatic.” My Mother’s Novel - from Marge Piercy, the Moon is Always Female

3

. i was watching a new queer eye inspired wedding show on netflix last night and there was a baby in a white suit with a bowtie and he was so fucking cute I wanted to eat him and Carly said that would give me eternal life. we need a podcast.

. “when the cherries turn black moon.” - From Erin’s monthly list of full moon names. oooh how that one got me.

. Chrissy Teigen showed her underboob scars from her breast surgery and I cried. I have those same scars and I didn’t know how badly I needed to see them on someone else - after all the complications from that surgery and that gaslighting prick of a doctor - until I saw hers. then i immediately texted the photo to the WitchesofEaVa with the crying emoji.

. The fact that very few know about him doesn't mean he isn't gone.

. i wish i had a time machine

. I know that tears are cathartic and I wonder about the complex mystery of them. How they can hold so much. Memory and love and missing and anger and frustration and happiness and hope and longing and delight. I will never apologize for being a crier because those tears are the muchness of me that needs a place to go. (from a what do you know prompt of one of Isabel’s writing courses. I revisit them all the time)

. a just rescued black cat gave birth to 10 black kittens and I am in love with this mama and so happy she did not have to give birth in this heat and try to protect all those babies. Asking again is it time for me to foster kittens? I would love her and her 10 littles.

. He said once I am too domesticated to live in the jungle in Mexico and he is dead fucking wrong because I am feral. As long as there is wifi.

. I want a life that feels like summer all year long.

2

. plant parenthood

. truth talks with Niki fill my soul

. i miss coffee. Decaf isn’t cutting it.

. bbq steak and salad

. generic question and she jumped to a conclusion. check your conscience JG cause there is a reason you gave that response.

. ban is over

. still obsessing over the attic suite across the lane. I have it decorated in my mind. will i find more of me there?

. “let it hurt until it can’t hurt anymore.” ~ Liam Ryan

. i wanted to steal a 6 week old slightly fluffy orange kitten today

1

. sugar cinnamon on squirrel bread

. Big Bang Theory and remembering my mom’s laughter

. a twitter thread asked about good things that came out of covid lockdown and it was all dogs and cats and family and babies and gardens and graduations and falling in love and I really needed that. I can be so cynical and side eyeing everything but I do melt over a feel good story. balance.

. talking aunts and magic with my boo

. saw a vintage table top light up vanity mirror with 3 “mood” settings on a vintage site I follow and I had one in the 70’s. It was everything. I felt like such a grown up .

. “take a minute to think about all the people that loved us into being.” ~ Mr. Rogers

. watermelon

. cannot believe it is already August.

. banned

The Attic Suite...

There is a house across the lane from my apartment building that is split into suites.

The back of this house can be seen from my bedroom window.

A new person moved into the attic suite last summer and I watched her settle in from my bed.

She put up twinkle lights and painted the walls white and hung plants on macrame hangers and I know without seeing any more that she has amazing taste and I am green with envy because I have always wanted to live in an attic suite with slanted walls.

Or a tower.

I might be a completely different person if I lived in a tower.

I wish I could leave my generic (but fabulously decorated) 1950's basic one (tiny) bedroom apartment and move into the attic or tower of an old house.

What is that called? Tudor style? You know the big heritage homes with the bay window tower on one side that goes from main floor to attic.

My hood has a lot of those homes but if they don't have "heritage status" they are being torn down for condos and it makes me sad.

It's very "Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair" and I love how romantic it is.

I adore small spaces.

I feel more at home in wee little suites than I do with lots of square footage. It's weird I know because most people crave more space.

I always crave less.

She has a romeo and juliet balcony with a chair and table and I see her out there smoking and having wine while she scrolls her phone.

Is she pinning?

Watching stories on the Gram?

Reading the news?

It's what I am doing as I scroll my phone in bed.

I wonder what she is thinking and how she ended up there.

She is me and I am her and I want to play telephone with tin cans and a string and be best friends and have secrets and crush on boys and girls and share clothes.

I don't know anything about her.

But I talk to her all the time and she must glance over here like I do over there and I wonder if she talks to me too.

She brought her chair and table in for the winter and now leans out her window to smoke.

She moved the big fern somewhere I can't see because it was cold here this year and ferns don't like cold.

I hope she moves it back as the weather warms up.

I want to know her story.

I bought a neon flamingo lamp and put it on the windowsill in my bedroom to add a little fun light to the dark Vancouver winters.

I wonder if she knows I did that for her.

For us.

Because we are friends who don't know each other yet, and probably never will, but we are friends nonetheless.

Live wild. Stay gold.

Thanks for hanging out with me.