. I am so over all the home decor that tells us how to feel. Why does everything have to be about being grateful or being positive? It's so toxic. What if I don't want to live love laugh. I want to burn and lust and covet. Where is the catchall dish that says "set him on fire" or the throw pillow that says "murder it" or the needlepoint that says "burn motherfucker burn"?
. Thinking about stuff in the literal sense. Why we have it and where we get it.
. Don't cut my bangs and don't order the chinese food.
. Make-up is amplified self care for me so I am subscribed to a bunch of sites and so much of the sales pitch is about being flawless. Flawless coverage, flawless glow, flawless matte finish, flawless lashes, flawless brows. It is low key annoying me.
. He thinks maybe he will stay through the winter and how he got from "find a place by Dec 1" to spring 2021 I will never know. I literally said that when we talked. It's time for us to live apart and you need to find a place by Dec 1. Clear direct communication. He said I agree and I will. It was a lovely conversation considering. And then last night he said it makes sense for me to stay here through the winter and he said it JUST as I was going to bed so now I have to have THAT conversation and this whole thing is gonna be a THING now. ugh
. She messaged and asked me to do her a favour and it was so impersonal I felt like I was a random LinkedIn contact and not her old BFF of 26 years that she is no longer speaking to so I was surprised to see her in my messages. I asked what is it? She said I will come cook you dinner and you write a review on it for my new service I am planning. She said her 3 month intro price was 50$ a meal plus groceries and I asked if that applied to me or is the review an exchange for that and she said the intro price applied and she had a questionnaire to fill out to decide on the meal. I said that it is not in my budget and with covid my "who I let in my house" bubble is very small and how are you contract tracing going in and out of people's houses and maybe I can help with copy etc cause she said she is in build mode. She responded by saying I offered you a lovely free meal because I know you hate cooking but obviously I didn't wrap it up like you wanted so rest assured I will not be contacting you again. How does her contacting me out of the blue asking for a favour, a favour she wants me to pay her for and write about, end with her being pissed at me for saying no? there is more and I wanted to talk talk in person or on the phone but it didn’t happen. flummoxed still. it’s so complicated and doesn’t have to be and my capacity is at zero.
. More thoughts on stuff. It can be let go of because there is good stuff literally everywhere that I can find again.
. I can't stop thinking about Lizzo's interview on Letterman and this line "love relationships don't have to be dramatic, to be traumatic." Whew!
. And Lizzo also said "we were here before technology so my iPhone telling me it's time to wake up...? No. I don't think so. First of all bitch I was ALREADY awake so you're wrong. I just shove it in a drawer. When did we decide technology was gonna tell us how to live?"
Musings from what is silent prompt in Isabel’s writing sanctuary.