1 I was at my desk working and i heard the quietest little meow and I looked down and Lola was looking at me like this. I live alone now but not really. I needed that little reminder and that wee break to give her belly rubs.

2. This came up on my FB memories from 2016. “I have a really good feeling about this year (even though today I have some unease, planets or something) and I was telling Misty last night about it. She asked me why.

I said there is no way that 2016 will bring the ending of a decade long relationship and my mother and Nigel can't die twice so that eliminates the three things I couldn't possibly fathom surviving at the beginning of last year.

After I said it out loud I realized that I did survive those things. And I am really proud of the way I handled them. I need to acknowledge that more. I think I swam those stormy seas with as much grit, grace and humour as I possibly good.

We tend to forget to pat ourselves on the back for how we show up in this world sometimes. It wasn't always great but it was always raw and real and vulnerable and uniquely me.

I had a message from a wild one on New Years that said "you have this particular brand of self loyalty in one of the most honest ways I have ever seen." It took a minute to receive that but I am glad I did.

So here is to just being you in this new year. In case you needed the reminder. xo”

3. Last night I was reading in the bath when I heard Lola’s signature murder thump. But when I got out there was no body. And she didn’t bring me any “gifts”. I still wonder though….

4. Invited unsubs with a message to “go with love. Make this year about filling yourself up with only the things that satisfy you.” and unsubs are coming in. It got me thinking about the word “satisfy”. I am gonna dig into that for my life and see if I can define it. I am pretty sure I know what that feels like for me but it’s pinging me to look deeper. To be continued…

5. Calls for accountability that come from care go unchecked way more than they should.

6. I gave up sugar because of my meno inflammation and I live with a constant craving now. Not for sugar. For Chinese food. Explain THAT one to me.

7. “I have to assume that in the fullness of time, at least once, a mouse has used a mushroom as an umbrella. That’s enough to keep me going.” = The Cryptonaturalist GOD I LOVE HIM.

8. Farewell.

9. I feel like I need more water.

10. Some FB shenanigans today. I couldn’t let it go.

1. I am adding the word clean to my love languages which currently include; space, ease, simplicity, and consistency. I want things to be clean. In the literal and metaphorical sense. If it’s not then I have work to do.

2. That Guy is moving out today. At my request about ten days ago. That is a longer story than I can/will tell on this platform but I will tell it. To be con’t….

3. I am to find the level of chill that Lola has in this photo. I don’t know if my constant and crippling anxiety is life related or meno related or if my mother who was the holder of all that for her life actually breathed it into me with her last breath on October 19, 2015. I miss chill me. Fighting the fights that need fighting and not stressing over every.little.thing. Bring Lola upside down second branch chill to me 2021. I am here.

4. I wanted to bring in the New Year with the sons of Ragnar but as usual it is not streaming on Prime in Canada. I don’t get it. We are not some remote wilderness but so many things don’t show up here. Including random news videos etc. “this is not available to stream in your location”. WTF. I live in Vancouver.

5. I took my road test yesterday and reclaimed a piece of myself. I am now a licensed driver again. I will tell you the story about how a $75.00 renewal fee in 2014 turned into a $2500.00 mindfuck by Dec 31, 2021. It’s a story about being poor and never getting ahead and how one corporation with a monopoly can fuck people over and there is not a goddamn thing you can do if you want what it offers. To be con’t…

6. I have so many stories to tell and with the upcoming space I will have I will finally have the capacity to tell them. I know people say they can write wherever however whatever is happening but I need the ritual and the space and the moonlight and I used to think because I couldn’t write on a bus I wasn’t a writer. But I am. I just need to do it my way.

7. Also, can we lose the THIS IS WHAT IT MUST LOOK LIKE mindset about everything. Art. Writing. Poetry. Love. Style. Work. I have BEEN over it but holy fuck I AM OVER IT. Especially after what last year proved us when it comes to “you can’t do it that way” but oh look now it affects everyone or famous so and so made it cool and now you CAN do it that way.

8. I am gonna paint my walls the colour of moonlight and one wall in the kitchen with black board paint and I wish you could all come paint with me and dance to old blues and rock while we do it then write secret messages for me on my blackboard wall before you leave. I would really love that.

9. Starting the Bush Kittens off with a post about titles and how we get to claim our own and I amaze myself at how this tour has been. The structure and the flow and the questions I am asking. I do really fucking good work. There will be MORE of it in 2021 with my love languages and the eyes of wild enchantment to guide me.

10. There was a sunrise a few mornings ago that was breathtaking. I savoured it and took no photos. I was just in the moment and I loved it. And I know when I log on I can relive it through others photos of it. Sometimes we need to be the ones recording the moment and sometimes we need to be in the moment and look for the recording later. I like being both. But that sunrise…reminded me the light is coming back. And that makes me happy.

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