50 - 9.19

. i want to worship at the altar of this set designer, wardrobe creator and cinematographer

. i covet the innkeepers kimonos

. Cynthia Nixon, Sharon Stone, Amanda Plummer all looking like women their age and not stretched and botoxed to the max. I am here for it.

. i am loving that I left time to ease into FBT. To allow for time to get comf with IG and start with riders.

. i can’t believe it’s almost fall.

. i can feel the change in my joints. it’s starting and so is the anxiety.

. Waves
Now that I know
what commitment means
I understand our love
will actually come in waves;
a steady ocean does not exist.

Even if I see you
every single day
for the rest of my life
I understand
that you are actually
not going to love me all the time--
even if you say you do.

- Leticia Sala, In Real Life

. more

. should i move?

49 - 9.18

. I think my extreme side eye is partly due to Dorothy and watching every episode with my mom and aunt in my formative years.

. Blanche is a master class at shrugging off slut shaming and owning your lust.

. Sophia definitely has mob connections.

. There are way too many weight references but it was the 80’s and that was the thing. The fat-phobia was massive and carried into our lives in so many ways.

. The friendship is so real. The fights and the feelings. Women without men building lives together. issues with kids and grandkids and work and family and parents and dating. I am here for it.

. Blanches nightwear and at home wear is fabulous. All silk, kimono sleeves, strappy slips. I would wear all of it. Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia in their buttoned to the neck flannels is so not me.

. ALL THE RATTAN FURNITURE IN EVERY ROOM. Yes please.

. how they all aged so differently and how their clothes were so much of their characters. and all the fabulus clutch bags.

. I want to write the 2020 version of 50 something women. Who may have long hair, and wear jeans. Who date women and may not have she.her pronouns. But who live together because it’s us who are left to pick up the pieces with chronic illness and unstable income and no retirement plan. This might become something. It’s very Linda and Paula.

48- 9.17

, that shawl though

. It begins! Ack! I am so fucking excited about what i have created with this tour.

. the welcome email is a novel. every time.

. my bathroom shelf arrived. the best 34 dollars ever. finally almost 3 years later I have everything organized

. this apartment needs painting - there is a colour called moonlight I am coveting. it’s a white

. going to bed early tonight. Such detail work for a new tour. intense focus

. i hope the bush kittens love it

. I haven’t made my talismanic tour purchase yet. it will find me.

. the Golden Girls on repeat

47 - 9.16

. day before FBT starts and I have a giant list.

. IG locked me out.

. mailchimp made changes

. i missed my coffee with Niki

. nerves

. stopped and took a bath.

. breathe

. lola’s results came back. she is doing really well for her age. thank god.

. nigel’s 5 year anniversary. miss that little face

46 - 9.15

. WAP is the number one song in the world on my 53rd birthday and you are not a feminist if you don’t include Cardi B and Meg Thee Stallion in your feminism.

. JK Rowlings is a TERF and Hermione and Ginny were the real heroes of Harry Potter. Hagrid can bite me too for agreeing with her.

. If the Golden Girls were on now as a new show the men they would be dating would be: Brad Pitt 57, Keanu Reeves 56, Jeff Goldblum 67, George Clooney 59, John Goodman 68, Denzel Washington 65, Kevin Costner 65, Samuel L Jackson 71, and the “older men” they date would be Robert De Niro 77, Jack Nicholson 83, Morgan Freeman 83, and Robert Redford 84. These are the fave actors I grew up with. Mind blowing.

. Sigourney is very unhappy that I stood for 6 hours yesterday.

. so ready for tour to start!

. feeling looked over on something I am not sure is my place to feel looked over. I want the credit.

. i still hate my couch

. posted about intuition today. people who say I will channel you intuitively feels very invasive to me for some reason and I know thats a block of mine because we know what we know and why does it feel invasive then? hmmmm

. i spend a few hours this morning reading every single birthday message and i feel really special.

45 - 9.14

. had Chinese with Carly tonight and the MSG literally put me to sleep. I am knocking more and more foods OFF my list with meno. What is happening.

. she brought me a robe and a moon dish and she left with a different robe, earrings and socks. I love us.

. I have to sing the Golden Girls theme song out loud because it’s what mom and auntie and I did when we watched it.

. I read that Rue was 51 when she started playing Blanche. I am 53 and that freaks me out a little and at the same time I am a golden girl!

. 5 weeks and my hair is finally calming down from the highlights.

. work is pretty boring - I miss my reg peeps.

. Laz kept calling her dad an old man and he is 53 also lol

. a guy in front of my work told me “if you weren’t a girl I would punch you in the throat”. Screamed it at me actually cause I told him and his buddies and a bunch of construction workers that they should stop standing around laughing at this woman who was freaking out with no pants on. I said she is obviously having a problem and all of you standing around laughing isn’t helping. Fucking men.

. the strangest birthday message from an old friend.

Birthday musings (44-9.13)

. all the birthday flowers and they smell so good.

. the apocalyptic skies prevented my social distance birthday park sit.

. made my annual Sephora birthday purchase of Sunday Riley Juno oil, Charlotte Tilbury lip oil and my free gift.

. ordered an over the toilet bathroom shelf cause I am not moving anytime soon and i need space for my elixirs and potions and makeup and no apologies for that collection. i HATE that all the walls are tiled and I can’t put up cute wood shelves.

. the texts, messages, calls and posts ‘whelmed with love. Except one which I told the EaVa witches about and we are baffled.

. i have big plans for 53

. keeping some stuff in

. time to re-address what covid stopped healthwise

. slowly digesting being told i have a presence by a few people and i am allowing for it.

43 - 9.12

. 400 dollars for her vet check

. the wild letter got so many unsubscribes

. the Flea was one. I thought I would be her witch aunt forever. its all so fucked up

. “I want a large porcelain feline.” ~ Niki

. the naked heart tarot was on sale. treated myself to it.

. looks like the cleaning is on me.

. he is out with his family. they all hate me.

. dreamt about 323 again.

. this place is so rundown.

*planter by Dirt Spindle

42 - 9.11

. after that thread I watched The Mummy

. having a huge flare up right now. the pain is real.

. wonder if it had to do with work?

. Sigourney is also very angry right now

. wtf is with all the moths?

. going to write about wild tonight

. my fucking computer did something weird and I ran it down to the Hackery and had a panic/anxiety attack and started to cry and they gave me kleenex and water. aw.

. trying to find a vintage Endora doll to see how much it is.

. the smoke has made its way up here.

41 - 9.10

. living with an alcoholic is hard.

. the fire photos are devastating. budgeting to send some help.

. long talk with LM about Mexico.

. when you live in an expensive city you get trapped in an expensive city because it’s hard to save enough to get out. I am in saving mode.

. i wish I could get 323 back.

. heat wave and the smoke is starting to drift up here. wonder what tomorrow will be like everywhere. praying for rain.

. believing in myself

. “Your body is the architecture of your every ancestor. No more looking for flaws. Bow down.” ~ Jaiya John

. time for a new phone I think

40 - 9.9

. the video and images of all the fires. Praying for the people, the animals, the firefighters and everyone. It’s just horrific.

. somewhere there is a disconnect between how I don’t feel special and the evidence of how people tell me all the time I am special. Going to work on that this fall.

. the satisfyier.

. 6 months into pandemic and at least 6 more and people are hitting their wall. we need hugs, and sex, and social lives but stay home and social distance and wear a mask is what we will do. Cause this isn’t about just us.

. cat mugs are on the list of what heals. good talk. sorted some stuff out.

. it’s so hot and muggy that lola’s meow has been baked out.

. white women that use AAVE in their copy makes my neck twitch.

. can’t wait for tour to start. I have so much goodness up my sleeve.

. text me. teehee

39 - 9.8

. named my giant hernia Sigourney. I fucking hate her.

. back at work today and the DTES has 4 times the amount of people and no social distancing and very few masks and it was quite the shock.

. work hurt. Sigourney was not happy with my standing all day.

. watched a doc in Princess Di and realized I got up for her wedding, funeral, Will’s wedding and Harry’s wedding and what I remember from her funeral is those boys walking behind and I had never seen that many people mourning at the same time.

. only thing I bought at work was a scarf, socks for carly and a tee for misty

. the mask all day was choking me. I swear i was suffocated/strangled in another life.

. I think my migraine is almost gone. It’s just a dull and annoying headache now

. this is not a happy 10.

. some days are like that. Just anxious and I am tired and my head hurts and Sigourney is a fucking bitch and I feel like I will never get that fixed.

38 - 9.7

. day 5 of this fucking migraine I have had since last wed. I hate sedatives.

. I need to book some dental work but I get a migraine from the freezing so I keep putting it off

. cheeze whiz on celery.

. took the day off today. pre tour is a lot of work. I don’t think people realize and I ALWAYS forget

. back to the store tomorrow and freaked out about extended time in a mask. I hate them cause I start to panic and get claustrophobic. I swear I was strangled/suffocated in another life. Crew necks, tight scarves, masks. I choke.

. summer decided to come back

. the pink skies with this heat wave have been giving me life. its prayer

. pinning eye shadow, desert houses, vintage store ashtrays, and cats

. 70’s themed cat funeral

37 - 9.6

. “we smoked cigarettes and stared at the moon.” ~ Tom Petty

. i hate this prank trend that is going around. sometimes i get shown the vids on FB and it’s always a couple where one says I got someone pregnant or a cheated on you and I don’t care if its scripted i fucking hate it

. one day I want to hand a hot guy a card and say “call me, my offices are in Rome” - (this line was in True Lies)

. doing these daily make me feel like I accomplish something. same with making my bed, taking care of my skin and my gallon of water. it really is the little things.

. Stacy posted the kimono I sent her and I really really miss thrifting and I kinda miss selling

. i love the rad cul-de-sac of fake houses we are all buying on FB so much

. the order of eternal indifference

. why is my phone battery running out so quick?

. i saw the sun rise this morning from my bed and I rarely see that. it was pink and it heals.

36 - 9.5

. somehow I deleted a musing from a few days ago in a way that it is not recoverable and I hate that

. i had a very anxiety filled day. No Particular reason. I think the come down from Wednesday’s test and going back out in public to work on tuesday and promoting the tour which never feels...something. I know its going to be amazing

. its getting dark so early.

. i have so much material this tour could be 3 years long. i have done so much work in the last 5 years and the last 10 years.

. did one of those sheet masks and it made my face break out. I am not sure why every raves about them cause they never make me look or feel better but i had it and didn’t want it to go to waste

. ordered groceries and had a giant salad and that helped the anxiety. its an act of caring for myself that feels good.

. had a dream last night that Alan Alda and James Garner were in. Wonder what that means?

. Lola threw up all over the fur rug again. why do cats always do that and never on the tile or hardwood?

. I miss my friends. Near and far.

• earrings by The Alchemilla

35 - 9.4

. so good at doing and creating and the marketing feels so unnatural - ugh I have to work on that.

. still have a low grade migraine from wed’s sedative. drinking so much water i might float away

. Big Bang Theory season 9 just landed. I hear my moms hysterical laughter whenever I watch that show.

. a black bear was shot and killed on the North shore and there is one in Coquitlam that they are hunting and it gives me rage and breaks my heart. what if there are babies waiting? this is their land so quit building fucking subdivisions so far up the mountains.

. have to check the news about the mama whale.

. the line “the kind of love that makes you feel good, cause it makes you feel” keeps going round and round in my mind but I don’t know where I heard it. I usually write that stuff down so I can credit.

. tetherball

. coveting alchemilla moon earrings, 2 kimonos, a new sectional, bamboo plants for my balcony and more closet space.

. so weird i am back to the store next week. it will be nice to see everyone

.

33 - 9.2

. Watching The Crazy One which is a British show and it’s so funny. “My mom is not in a good place. She started using the word dude. That’s a real mental health red flag in the over 50’s isn’t it?” - I DIED laughing.

. I think FB is hiding everything I say about The Full Bush Tour because the engagement on those posts is almost nothing. Or no one is interested which I don’t really think is true by the amount of requests I have had for a longer tour.

. todays test was very unpleasant but over thank god. now I just have to come down from the sedative. why does my body always need more than a normal person? Because getting over it that takes twice as long and I can barely keep my eyes open. The doc said they had to up the IV twice cause I kept waking up. I told him I needed more than the average bear but they never listen.

. he also said after when he came to talk to me “I notice you have a very severe hernia. have you had that looked at?” literally it’s so bad it’s noticeably sticking out of my belly. ugh I said yes I have but Covid…so if you know anyone that wants to throw me in and fix it please give them my number.

. he informs me he will have nothing to put toward her yearly visit even though it’s been booked since July and I saved.

. deciding what to buy myself for my birthday and remembering cat mothers day and how i said I am pissed you did nothing and as an afterthought at 11pm there was suddenly a frozen cheesecake to “celebrate” but it had freezer burn that made it awful and how that minimal effort was expected to be celebrated and wowed and appreciated and I wanted to throw it over the balcony. he would have been better off to continue with the nothing he had already done.

. "I wrote my first novel because I wanted to read it.” ~ Toni Morrison

. again with mama moon. eye level to my bed and so close I can touch it. this time of year she really looks in closely on me.

. all the blond hair products I will ever need. I wish I had the energy to wash my hair tonight .

32 - 9.1

. no letter in a minute and a bunch of unsubs. ok. so those are people who don’t care why a pomegranate, a disco ball and the moon rolled into a bar…

. I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow so I am on a liquid diet all day and its a full moon and I could eat the hind end of a moving wildebeast and why did I book this on a full moon? also, this is 50+

. “full throated demands” ~ Effy

. I slept all afternoon so I wouldn’t sit here hungry.

. lots of talk on the feed about rage and pride today. can’t wait for seven sins again

. my birthday month begins. i have a covet list.

. watching extreme race and I am fascinated

. "Keep taking time for yourself until you are you again." ~ Lalah Delia

. very moody but i am sure its hunger and the moon.

31

. always so nervous about love letters when it’s been a minute. when I was writing weekly the flow had so much ease. have to get back to that.

. 294 new covid cases over the weekend. ugh

. still watching Bewitched and Endora is always on top of the cabinets and the counters, or curled up on the railing like a cat. i love it.

. when did burnout velvet fringe kimonos get so expensive? I was scrolling etsy over coffee and it’s unreal.

. the moon is almost full and I slept with my curtains open bathing in her love.

. i wish this apartment had an exposed brick wall. wonder if i can fake that?

. Matutine: (adj.) just before the dawn

. sacred and revolutionary simplicity, ease, and enchantment.

. I CANNOT believe tomorrow is Sept 1. HOW?