71 - 10.10

. spent the morning with coffee and The Dodo videos.

. 3 hour lavender bubble bath with a historical bodice ripping romance and a glass of wine. things on the list that heals. welcome to saturday night at 53 in a pandemic

. hoping i don’t regret the wine. me, drinking and meno do not go together

. missing brunch club

. took the 2 bags of purge to the thrift and almost have another full one. plus a box full of marketplace stuff to sell cause why not. if i make changes i need money and maybe doing that again this winter will be ok. i can be careful in the stores

. missing having a car

. that fall organize everything and get my ducks in a row and deal with shit you put off all summer is in full effect. taxes, dentist, learning some new programs (evernote or something…)

. wondering if a budgeting software program would help. i do it all pen and paper old school styles with a calendar

. “cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine…maybe not tonight” ~ Florence & the Machine

70 - 10.9

. why do i forget when everything hurts and my lymph nodes are aching that i haven’t been drinking my water? it’s such basic fucking self care and never fails to change almost EVERYTHING for me.

. even though i know for sure i need to know for sure

. back to old school pro/con list

. pro: house to myself all the time, house clean all the time, more space because only my limited stuff, maybe start dating again after sigourney is gone, more vintage slips and tap pants and the embodiment practices of secret single behaviour, no resentment over being the only one to manage/clean this house

. more pros: music on that can’t be cause he sleeps all day weekends, will the distance tell us for sure, feminine it up in here, less stress means i eat better, don’t anxiety shop, sleep better

. cons: lola adores him, I adore him but more so without the resentment, he is funny, we are in a pandemic and he is part of my bubble, he pays half the rent, i will have to pay all of it plus all hydro and all of her stuff which he occasionally helps out on, who will remove spiders

. more cons: he is in a good place and this will fuck him up, i fucked up Perry by moving and look how that turned out, loneliness but I already feel lonely

. fuck

. i am on strike cause i hate being responsible for every fucking thing but that just means it takes longer to do it

. i spent so much time poor that it scares me to be that poor again in this fucking expensive city

.

69 - 10.8

. had a massage this morning and when she asks what hurts I said everything. But mostly my nervous system. So she worked on that. Came home and cried. it is always a release.

. I am still so mad about the level of hyper vigilance I need for doctors. why don’t they give a shit?

. I think I need to write the dating after 45 guide.

. sex, love and rock ‘n roll.

. so grateful my supplements arrived. My ankles and knees are beginning to move again withou excrutiating pain.

. i need groceries.

. I need to check the calendar for something to look forward to. My mom always said there is always something cause this doctor shit has me in a rut of despair I am having trouble shaking.

. roast beast?

. by myself is my dream

68 - 10.7

. exhausting day of advocating for my health again and still.

. I was being gaslighted by my medical office and when a nurse said “I can’t speak to that because I wasn’t part of the conversation” I said “ I CAN speak to that because I WAS in the conversation so stop gaslighting me.” Then she had the doc call me directly and he said we have never discussed that and then a minute later he references it from another convo so I stopped him and said “do you hear yourself? You are telling me we never discussed this when we have MULTIPLE times, one of which YOU JUST FUCKING MENTIONED. So how can you speak to me and claim that i am making this up when you just said it.

. I have an exceptional memory on these thiings so don’t fucking play me.

. I have also lived in this body for 53 years and I know what I know so don’t fucking play me.

. It is fucking exhausted and I cried all afternoon from the rage.

. sometimes I hate that I cry when I am angry because it diminishes my message.

. I was really missing having someone special to call to tell me it was ok. No mom and no love.

. he needs to move so I can prepare for that.

. got both ultrasounds done last night anyway so we'll see.

. this ate up my entire fucking day and the only other thing I noticed was corw o’clock from the waiting room of the ultrasound place and i forgot about crow o’clock at sunset every night in the fall and it was a secret message from the universe. I didn’t even try to capture it in a photo because some things are not meant to be.

67 - 10.6

. I miss Philip Seymour Hoffman

. my earrings came and they are fabulous.

. weird dreams

. The Flea

. I wonder how many pandemic musings reference my plants

. i am boring

. that chick will die before she contacts me

. hurricane in Tulum and again the forest went quiet

. pierced hearts and true love.

66 - 10.5

. work is way different

. the covid anxiety of being down here and taking transit is a lot.

. i bought 2 new silk scarves

. it’s cold in the mornings. I turned the heat on today.

. need to dig out my sun lamp

. watching old movies from the 80’s and 90’s.

. gorgeous sunsets this week

. need sigourney fixed so I can work out again. Put my mat down

. making some changes to my meditation space

64 - 10.3

. this city.

. i am in deep longing.

. still purging. Have two entire boxes of stuff to sell.

. mood

. wandering

. still mad

. water

. sleep

. tears

63 - 10.2

. feeling…something today…so I cleaned. shook out fur rungs and swept under couch and cleaned windows. still feeling it so I got my hands in the dirt and spent some time with my babies in the sun. moved them around in the apartment. the something I am feeling…there are waves/spirits in this apartment I have to manage constantly for my well being.

. skin care is self care so i did a mask

. the smokiest pink sky today and it is a prayer.

. how do you organize eye shadow pallets?

. gonna refresh my little meditation space with a wee fur rug and a pillow to set it up for my well being. I work well in designated spaces and I have half assed this one. then I wonder why it’s not going well.

. talked to him about moving out

.

62- 10.1

. i have 20 plant babies and I wonder if its in everyones dna to grow things? I know my Viking ancestors must have but did my Belgian? Or did they have people who did it for them?

. Randall processing the death of both his fathers in therapy had me riveted. I rewatched that episode twice and there is a secret message that I have to work on myself there. I never had the chance to grieve.

. Travel In Canoes Moon. Blood Moon. Hunter's Moon. Harvest Moon. Blackberry Moon. Kindly Moon. Joins Both Sides Moon. Big Chestnut Moon. Leaf Falling Moon. White Frost On The Grass Moon. Courting Time Moon. Big Wind Moon. Raven Moon. Traveller's Moon. Rutting Moon. Wilted Moon. Young Animals Moon. Falling Moon. Time Of Poverty Moon. Moon Of The Changing Seasons. Moon Of The Falling Leaves. Moon When The Quilling And Beading Is Done. Moon When The Birds Fly South. Moon When The Corn Is Taken In. Moon When The Bears Hibernate. Moon Of Long Hair. Moon When The Wind Shakes Off The Leaves. Moon When They Store Food In Caches. Moon Of The First Frost. Moon When Freeze Begins On The Stream's Edge. - I love the monthly full moon posts from Erin Gergen Hall

. met some Bush Kittens today.

. how the fuck is it October?

61 - 9.30

. ease, simplicity, space are three of my love languages and its getting harder to find that in a city with these rents.

. I remember when everyone told me that This Is Us was guaranteed to make them cry and it was cathartic to watch because crying so so good for you and it never made me cry in season 1-2 cause I always joked that I was dead inside but this season 4 on netflix has me bawling every second episode so there is that.

. the fall purge is going well. more and more of less and less.

. stuff used to me my shield. Now it is plants.

.

60 - 9.29

stuffed up all day, in the time of covid. doctor tomorrow just in case but i think (hope) its just inflammation cause my body is a state today

. this is us season 4. i love that show

. i don’t love the emphasis on weight with kate and toby.

. that fucking debate. like the two old guys in the balcony on the muppets

. hard to move today so I slept and slept

. cbd

. finally washed my hair. that’s a sign

. space, ease, simplicity - how do I lose that and I know part of it is him and his fucking clutter.

. how much is my peace of mind worth?

59 - 9.28

. My meno hormones have run amok

. There is a dude trying to abduct women in van in multiple neighbourhood and the vpd tweeted that they don’t see it as a threat. Rage.

. More sun today. I need to live somewhere warm and sunny all year round.

. Purging

58 - 9.27

. Immediate panic on the ig Fuckery this morning. I wish I was calmer. I had plan b to a mapped out before I even figured out the problem. This is both a curse and a superpower.

. Got some new plant babies and sat in the sun for a bit and replanted them and the sun felt so good after last week of monsoon rain. I live in a rainforest and I am never ever ready for the weather change.

. I need to go back to my anti inflammatory eating which is meno related but I hate that I have to “regulate” my food. The inflammation will kill me if I don’t so I will but I don’t like it. Hmph

. Sublime

57 - 9.26

. purgepurgepurge

. did my clothes and coats. linens are next

. I need to sort my jewelry. I have so much from mom and auntie

. do I donate or list?

. feeling incredibly creative and just want to curl up on the couch and write and dream up new things

. I love having saturdays to write

. a meditation space

. sunny

. pinning signet rings, layered necklaces and art deco houses

. “all the women in me are tired” ~ Nayyirah Waheed

56 - 9.25

. he isn’t around much. jams all the time. which leaves everything up to me to manage. all the cleaning, most of the bills. i think its time to make some changes.

. lola would miss him but she already is and on his nights off he can come see us but it would be without the massive resentment i currently have for him and his “nights off.”

. watching the first American Horror Story about the murder house and it’s freaking me out.

. this place has a weird vibe. been 3 years in nov and it has never felt like home. no matter what I do. called Cat today to say get me on a list for top floor sunny whatever comes up. studio is fine. putting it out there is a start

. also thinking about renters insurance cause i keep dreaming of fire.

. “if you are not paying for the product, you are the product.” The Social Dilemma

. The Bush Kittens are still checking in and I already notice that they are mastering the IG page that is theirs. It’s a learning curve for sure but the energy is different and that is what I wanted.

. have an appt with the doc on wed. he responded to my email. so hopefully he has the action plan i asked for and I can get my life back.

. stress eating

55 - 9.24

. Stockholm 2017 was the best Ikea collection. it had a vintage vibe and lots of velvet and rattan.

. still a good place for dishes to mix with my vintage dishes. everything that is chipped is going to be donated, along with some old pots etc. I bought a wok and only want soup and stir fry forever.

. it was so nice for all of to have a weekday off together.

. we made up back stories about who lives in all the faux apartments Ikea has in the showroom

. sigourney hurt after the wandering all thru the store. sent a long email to my doc asking what do i have to do for anyone with the knowledge to fix me to actually fix me. siad i was tired of writing and going to appts to remind him that he is the medical professional and is supposed to care about me and make me well if he can.

. also thinking of finally writing that review for the plastic surgeon who butchered me. because then maybe other women will get better care.

. i am not washing my hair. that is a sign the monsoon rain and low clouds are ALREADY getting to me.

. my birthday flowers are hanging in and are now down to one ceramic cream pitcher and they look so cute. it’s always the daisies and carnations that last the longest.

.putting weekly fresh flowers on my rider.

.

54 -9.23

. when I saw him and the story they wrote about how some we are not a disposable society i burst into tears and cried the ugly cry for about an hour.

. I would grab him, my moms lion, dads buddha, the tiger box and the fortune teller mug first in a fire. Assuming I had Lola my laptop, id and wallet.

. then I would grab the dragon, my rosaries, my wings, squirrel box and the moon.

. everything else is replaceable and I love it all and purged so much of it but its decoration for here. who knows where I will be and what I will want to move past those things and some artwork.

. why are women considered disposable? By men and doctors and police. By our families who want us to hold all the space but they don’t care about our safety. by a culture that doesn’t want us to age.

. found my dream couch. its 4000 dollars.

. Nothing will happen with Breonna’s murder. they have already prepared for a riot. what does that tell you?

. when will it change?

. part of the problem is i have not been on pinterest lately. I just realized that.

.

53 - 9.22

. the and/and. the fires need it and I fucking hate it

. everything hurts

. i am lethargic

. work just about killed me. Sigourney hates it when I stand

. watered my plant babies and repotted a few inside to feel like I accomplished something.

. napped.

. almost have the tour done to end of January.

. I am fucking brilliant.

. I can do all of this from someplace warm.

52 - 9.21

. still thinking about her bday text. Why message Happy Birthday and when I respond with thank you <3, how are you? do you come back with “honestly wasn’t expecting a reply and not really looking for conversation. just wanted you to know you were thought of. hope you enjoy your special day.” - It is completely devoid of expression. she doesn’t want to talk and she doesn’t think I will reply? Why then? Is this a box check? Every single interaction is fucking exhausting. I am so tired of passive aggressive. Be direct and clear in the first place and it won’t get to this. I don’t miss it. I miss her but not the constant hating of me. She says she loves me but acts like she hates me. still. so I took our friendship off social media and left it to her to pursue when she said go on without me. I said ok.

. when people tell you things believe them the first time. I remember her saying I don’t care about anything and I don’t hold onto anything and somehow I thought I was exempt from that until she dropped me like third period french. Of that’s right. You don’t care about or hold on to anything. You told me that. I don’t know why I didn’t believe you after a decade of friendship.

. all the losses are swirling. I need a good cry but I am still dead inside.

. maybe it is time for a new tattoo

. maybe I should just read in the tub for 4 hours.

. i can feel the rain. fuck me its too much too soon

. I have to go visit Laura.

. maybe I need to start over in some places that I have been putting off thinking about

. i want a spa day. but thats not safe.

51 - 9.20

. obsessing about a new place. so many dreams but I don’t recognize it. it’s a bit freaky

. almost done Ratched. FUCK the sets and the clothes. Not a single thing done wrong. I never say that.

. I need an Ikea trip. I want a wok and VV never has them.

. again, too busy to do his share

. I am not sure I have ten today.

. the rider is so good. I love that I do that at the start of every tour. lets name it and claim it.

. tried the Dior sampler I got and its the best mascara I have ever seen. Afraid to look at the price.

. fall is all about purges and foundations and slow jams

. I want to go deeper on a few of these but not in a public forum. they are gonna need a paywall.

.