57 - 9.26

. purgepurgepurge

. did my clothes and coats. linens are next

. I need to sort my jewelry. I have so much from mom and auntie

. do I donate or list?

. feeling incredibly creative and just want to curl up on the couch and write and dream up new things

. I love having saturdays to write

. a meditation space

. sunny

. pinning signet rings, layered necklaces and art deco houses

. “all the women in me are tired” ~ Nayyirah Waheed

56 - 9.25

. he isn’t around much. jams all the time. which leaves everything up to me to manage. all the cleaning, most of the bills. i think its time to make some changes.

. lola would miss him but she already is and on his nights off he can come see us but it would be without the massive resentment i currently have for him and his “nights off.”

. watching the first American Horror Story about the murder house and it’s freaking me out.

. this place has a weird vibe. been 3 years in nov and it has never felt like home. no matter what I do. called Cat today to say get me on a list for top floor sunny whatever comes up. studio is fine. putting it out there is a start

. also thinking about renters insurance cause i keep dreaming of fire.

. “if you are not paying for the product, you are the product.” The Social Dilemma

. The Bush Kittens are still checking in and I already notice that they are mastering the IG page that is theirs. It’s a learning curve for sure but the energy is different and that is what I wanted.

. have an appt with the doc on wed. he responded to my email. so hopefully he has the action plan i asked for and I can get my life back.

. stress eating

55 - 9.24

. Stockholm 2017 was the best Ikea collection. it had a vintage vibe and lots of velvet and rattan.

. still a good place for dishes to mix with my vintage dishes. everything that is chipped is going to be donated, along with some old pots etc. I bought a wok and only want soup and stir fry forever.

. it was so nice for all of to have a weekday off together.

. we made up back stories about who lives in all the faux apartments Ikea has in the showroom

. sigourney hurt after the wandering all thru the store. sent a long email to my doc asking what do i have to do for anyone with the knowledge to fix me to actually fix me. siad i was tired of writing and going to appts to remind him that he is the medical professional and is supposed to care about me and make me well if he can.

. also thinking of finally writing that review for the plastic surgeon who butchered me. because then maybe other women will get better care.

. i am not washing my hair. that is a sign the monsoon rain and low clouds are ALREADY getting to me.

. my birthday flowers are hanging in and are now down to one ceramic cream pitcher and they look so cute. it’s always the daisies and carnations that last the longest.

.putting weekly fresh flowers on my rider.

.

54 -9.23

. when I saw him and the story they wrote about how some we are not a disposable society i burst into tears and cried the ugly cry for about an hour.

. I would grab him, my moms lion, dads buddha, the tiger box and the fortune teller mug first in a fire. Assuming I had Lola my laptop, id and wallet.

. then I would grab the dragon, my rosaries, my wings, squirrel box and the moon.

. everything else is replaceable and I love it all and purged so much of it but its decoration for here. who knows where I will be and what I will want to move past those things and some artwork.

. why are women considered disposable? By men and doctors and police. By our families who want us to hold all the space but they don’t care about our safety. by a culture that doesn’t want us to age.

. found my dream couch. its 4000 dollars.

. Nothing will happen with Breonna’s murder. they have already prepared for a riot. what does that tell you?

. when will it change?

. part of the problem is i have not been on pinterest lately. I just realized that.

.

53 - 9.22

. the and/and. the fires need it and I fucking hate it

. everything hurts

. i am lethargic

. work just about killed me. Sigourney hates it when I stand

. watered my plant babies and repotted a few inside to feel like I accomplished something.

. napped.

. almost have the tour done to end of January.

. I am fucking brilliant.

. I can do all of this from someplace warm.

52 - 9.21

. still thinking about her bday text. Why message Happy Birthday and when I respond with thank you <3, how are you? do you come back with “honestly wasn’t expecting a reply and not really looking for conversation. just wanted you to know you were thought of. hope you enjoy your special day.” - It is completely devoid of expression. she doesn’t want to talk and she doesn’t think I will reply? Why then? Is this a box check? Every single interaction is fucking exhausting. I am so tired of passive aggressive. Be direct and clear in the first place and it won’t get to this. I don’t miss it. I miss her but not the constant hating of me. She says she loves me but acts like she hates me. still. so I took our friendship off social media and left it to her to pursue when she said go on without me. I said ok.

. when people tell you things believe them the first time. I remember her saying I don’t care about anything and I don’t hold onto anything and somehow I thought I was exempt from that until she dropped me like third period french. Of that’s right. You don’t care about or hold on to anything. You told me that. I don’t know why I didn’t believe you after a decade of friendship.

. all the losses are swirling. I need a good cry but I am still dead inside.

. maybe it is time for a new tattoo

. maybe I should just read in the tub for 4 hours.

. i can feel the rain. fuck me its too much too soon

. I have to go visit Laura.

. maybe I need to start over in some places that I have been putting off thinking about

. i want a spa day. but thats not safe.

51 - 9.20

. obsessing about a new place. so many dreams but I don’t recognize it. it’s a bit freaky

. almost done Ratched. FUCK the sets and the clothes. Not a single thing done wrong. I never say that.

. I need an Ikea trip. I want a wok and VV never has them.

. again, too busy to do his share

. I am not sure I have ten today.

. the rider is so good. I love that I do that at the start of every tour. lets name it and claim it.

. tried the Dior sampler I got and its the best mascara I have ever seen. Afraid to look at the price.

. fall is all about purges and foundations and slow jams

. I want to go deeper on a few of these but not in a public forum. they are gonna need a paywall.

.

50 - 9.19

. i want to worship at the altar of this set designer, wardrobe creator and cinematographer

. i covet the innkeepers kimonos

. Cynthia Nixon, Sharon Stone, Amanda Plummer all looking like women their age and not stretched and botoxed to the max. I am here for it.

. i am loving that I left time to ease into FBT. To allow for time to get comf with IG and start with riders.

. i can’t believe it’s almost fall.

. i can feel the change in my joints. it’s starting and so is the anxiety.

. Waves
Now that I know
what commitment means
I understand our love
will actually come in waves;
a steady ocean does not exist.

Even if I see you
every single day
for the rest of my life
I understand
that you are actually
not going to love me all the time--
even if you say you do.

- Leticia Sala, In Real Life

. more

. should i move?

49 - 9.18

. I think my extreme side eye is partly due to Dorothy and watching every episode with my mom and aunt in my formative years.

. Blanche is a master class at shrugging off slut shaming and owning your lust.

. Sophia definitely has mob connections.

. There are way too many weight references but it was the 80’s and that was the thing. The fat-phobia was massive and carried into our lives in so many ways.

. The friendship is so real. The fights and the feelings. Women without men building lives together. issues with kids and grandkids and work and family and parents and dating. I am here for it.

. Blanches nightwear and at home wear is fabulous. All silk, kimono sleeves, strappy slips. I would wear all of it. Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia in their buttoned to the neck flannels is so not me.

. ALL THE RATTAN FURNITURE IN EVERY ROOM. Yes please.

. how they all aged so differently and how their clothes were so much of their characters. and all the fabulus clutch bags.

. I want to write the 2020 version of 50 something women. Who may have long hair, and wear jeans. Who date women and may not have she.her pronouns. But who live together because it’s us who are left to pick up the pieces with chronic illness and unstable income and no retirement plan. This might become something. It’s very Linda and Paula.

48- 9.17

, that shawl though

. It begins! Ack! I am so fucking excited about what i have created with this tour.

. the welcome email is a novel. every time.

. my bathroom shelf arrived. the best 34 dollars ever. finally almost 3 years later I have everything organized

. this apartment needs painting - there is a colour called moonlight I am coveting. it’s a white

. going to bed early tonight. Such detail work for a new tour. intense focus

. i hope the bush kittens love it

. I haven’t made my talismanic tour purchase yet. it will find me.

. the Golden Girls on repeat

47 - 9.16

. day before FBT starts and I have a giant list.

. IG locked me out.

. mailchimp made changes

. i missed my coffee with Niki

. nerves

. stopped and took a bath.

. breathe

. lola’s results came back. she is doing really well for her age. thank god.

. nigel’s 5 year anniversary. miss that little face

46 - 9.15

. WAP is the number one song in the world on my 53rd birthday and you are not a feminist if you don’t include Cardi B and Meg Thee Stallion in your feminism.

. JK Rowlings is a TERF and Hermione and Ginny were the real heroes of Harry Potter. Hagrid can bite me too for agreeing with her.

. If the Golden Girls were on now as a new show the men they would be dating would be: Brad Pitt 57, Keanu Reeves 56, Jeff Goldblum 67, George Clooney 59, John Goodman 68, Denzel Washington 65, Kevin Costner 65, Samuel L Jackson 71, and the “older men” they date would be Robert De Niro 77, Jack Nicholson 83, Morgan Freeman 83, and Robert Redford 84. These are the fave actors I grew up with. Mind blowing.

. Sigourney is very unhappy that I stood for 6 hours yesterday.

. so ready for tour to start!

. feeling looked over on something I am not sure is my place to feel looked over. I want the credit.

. i still hate my couch

. posted about intuition today. people who say I will channel you intuitively feels very invasive to me for some reason and I know thats a block of mine because we know what we know and why does it feel invasive then? hmmmm

. i spend a few hours this morning reading every single birthday message and i feel really special.

45 - 9.14

. had Chinese with Carly tonight and the MSG literally put me to sleep. I am knocking more and more foods OFF my list with meno. What is happening.

. she brought me a robe and a moon dish and she left with a different robe, earrings and socks. I love us.

. I have to sing the Golden Girls theme song out loud because it’s what mom and auntie and I did when we watched it.

. I read that Rue was 51 when she started playing Blanche. I am 53 and that freaks me out a little and at the same time I am a golden girl!

. 5 weeks and my hair is finally calming down from the highlights.

. work is pretty boring - I miss my reg peeps.

. Laz kept calling her dad an old man and he is 53 also lol

. a guy in front of my work told me “if you weren’t a girl I would punch you in the throat”. Screamed it at me actually cause I told him and his buddies and a bunch of construction workers that they should stop standing around laughing at this woman who was freaking out with no pants on. I said she is obviously having a problem and all of you standing around laughing isn’t helping. Fucking men.

. the strangest birthday message from an old friend.

Birthday musings (44-9.13)

. all the birthday flowers and they smell so good.

. the apocalyptic skies prevented my social distance birthday park sit.

. made my annual Sephora birthday purchase of Sunday Riley Juno oil, Charlotte Tilbury lip oil and my free gift.

. ordered an over the toilet bathroom shelf cause I am not moving anytime soon and i need space for my elixirs and potions and makeup and no apologies for that collection. i HATE that all the walls are tiled and I can’t put up cute wood shelves.

. the texts, messages, calls and posts ‘whelmed with love. Except one which I told the EaVa witches about and we are baffled.

. i have big plans for 53

. keeping some stuff in

. time to re-address what covid stopped healthwise

. slowly digesting being told i have a presence by a few people and i am allowing for it.

43 - 9.12

. 400 dollars for her vet check

. the wild letter got so many unsubscribes

. the Flea was one. I thought I would be her witch aunt forever. its all so fucked up

. “I want a large porcelain feline.” ~ Niki

. the naked heart tarot was on sale. treated myself to it.

. looks like the cleaning is on me.

. he is out with his family. they all hate me.

. dreamt about 323 again.

. this place is so rundown.

*planter by Dirt Spindle

42 - 9.11

. after that thread I watched The Mummy

. having a huge flare up right now. the pain is real.

. wonder if it had to do with work?

. Sigourney is also very angry right now

. wtf is with all the moths?

. going to write about wild tonight

. my fucking computer did something weird and I ran it down to the Hackery and had a panic/anxiety attack and started to cry and they gave me kleenex and water. aw.

. trying to find a vintage Endora doll to see how much it is.

. the smoke has made its way up here.

41 - 9.10

. living with an alcoholic is hard.

. the fire photos are devastating. budgeting to send some help.

. long talk with LM about Mexico.

. when you live in an expensive city you get trapped in an expensive city because it’s hard to save enough to get out. I am in saving mode.

. i wish I could get 323 back.

. heat wave and the smoke is starting to drift up here. wonder what tomorrow will be like everywhere. praying for rain.

. believing in myself

. “Your body is the architecture of your every ancestor. No more looking for flaws. Bow down.” ~ Jaiya John

. time for a new phone I think

40 - 9.9

. the video and images of all the fires. Praying for the people, the animals, the firefighters and everyone. It’s just horrific.

. somewhere there is a disconnect between how I don’t feel special and the evidence of how people tell me all the time I am special. Going to work on that this fall.

. the satisfyier.

. 6 months into pandemic and at least 6 more and people are hitting their wall. we need hugs, and sex, and social lives but stay home and social distance and wear a mask is what we will do. Cause this isn’t about just us.

. cat mugs are on the list of what heals. good talk. sorted some stuff out.

. it’s so hot and muggy that lola’s meow has been baked out.

. white women that use AAVE in their copy makes my neck twitch.

. can’t wait for tour to start. I have so much goodness up my sleeve.

. text me. teehee

39 - 9.8

. named my giant hernia Sigourney. I fucking hate her.

. back at work today and the DTES has 4 times the amount of people and no social distancing and very few masks and it was quite the shock.

. work hurt. Sigourney was not happy with my standing all day.

. watched a doc in Princess Di and realized I got up for her wedding, funeral, Will’s wedding and Harry’s wedding and what I remember from her funeral is those boys walking behind and I had never seen that many people mourning at the same time.

. only thing I bought at work was a scarf, socks for carly and a tee for misty

. the mask all day was choking me. I swear i was suffocated/strangled in another life.

. I think my migraine is almost gone. It’s just a dull and annoying headache now

. this is not a happy 10.

. some days are like that. Just anxious and I am tired and my head hurts and Sigourney is a fucking bitch and I feel like I will never get that fixed.

38 - 9.7

. day 5 of this fucking migraine I have had since last wed. I hate sedatives.

. I need to book some dental work but I get a migraine from the freezing so I keep putting it off

. cheeze whiz on celery.

. took the day off today. pre tour is a lot of work. I don’t think people realize and I ALWAYS forget

. back to the store tomorrow and freaked out about extended time in a mask. I hate them cause I start to panic and get claustrophobic. I swear I was strangled/suffocated in another life. Crew necks, tight scarves, masks. I choke.

. summer decided to come back

. the pink skies with this heat wave have been giving me life. its prayer

. pinning eye shadow, desert houses, vintage store ashtrays, and cats

. 70’s themed cat funeral