37 - 9.6

. “we smoked cigarettes and stared at the moon.” ~ Tom Petty

. i hate this prank trend that is going around. sometimes i get shown the vids on FB and it’s always a couple where one says I got someone pregnant or a cheated on you and I don’t care if its scripted i fucking hate it

. one day I want to hand a hot guy a card and say “call me, my offices are in Rome” - (this line was in True Lies)

. doing these daily make me feel like I accomplish something. same with making my bed, taking care of my skin and my gallon of water. it really is the little things.

. Stacy posted the kimono I sent her and I really really miss thrifting and I kinda miss selling

. i love the rad cul-de-sac of fake houses we are all buying on FB so much

. the order of eternal indifference

. why is my phone battery running out so quick?

. i saw the sun rise this morning from my bed and I rarely see that. it was pink and it heals.

36 - 9.5

. somehow I deleted a musing from a few days ago in a way that it is not recoverable and I hate that

. i had a very anxiety filled day. No Particular reason. I think the come down from Wednesday’s test and going back out in public to work on tuesday and promoting the tour which never feels...something. I know its going to be amazing

. its getting dark so early.

. i have so much material this tour could be 3 years long. i have done so much work in the last 5 years and the last 10 years.

. did one of those sheet masks and it made my face break out. I am not sure why every raves about them cause they never make me look or feel better but i had it and didn’t want it to go to waste

. ordered groceries and had a giant salad and that helped the anxiety. its an act of caring for myself that feels good.

. had a dream last night that Alan Alda and James Garner were in. Wonder what that means?

. Lola threw up all over the fur rug again. why do cats always do that and never on the tile or hardwood?

. I miss my friends. Near and far.

• earrings by The Alchemilla

35 - 9.4

. so good at doing and creating and the marketing feels so unnatural - ugh I have to work on that.

. still have a low grade migraine from wed’s sedative. drinking so much water i might float away

. Big Bang Theory season 9 just landed. I hear my moms hysterical laughter whenever I watch that show.

. a black bear was shot and killed on the North shore and there is one in Coquitlam that they are hunting and it gives me rage and breaks my heart. what if there are babies waiting? this is their land so quit building fucking subdivisions so far up the mountains.

. have to check the news about the mama whale.

. the line “the kind of love that makes you feel good, cause it makes you feel” keeps going round and round in my mind but I don’t know where I heard it. I usually write that stuff down so I can credit.

. tetherball

. coveting alchemilla moon earrings, 2 kimonos, a new sectional, bamboo plants for my balcony and more closet space.

. so weird i am back to the store next week. it will be nice to see everyone

.

33 - 9.2

. Watching The Crazy One which is a British show and it’s so funny. “My mom is not in a good place. She started using the word dude. That’s a real mental health red flag in the over 50’s isn’t it?” - I DIED laughing.

. I think FB is hiding everything I say about The Full Bush Tour because the engagement on those posts is almost nothing. Or no one is interested which I don’t really think is true by the amount of requests I have had for a longer tour.

. todays test was very unpleasant but over thank god. now I just have to come down from the sedative. why does my body always need more than a normal person? Because getting over it that takes twice as long and I can barely keep my eyes open. The doc said they had to up the IV twice cause I kept waking up. I told him I needed more than the average bear but they never listen.

. he also said after when he came to talk to me “I notice you have a very severe hernia. have you had that looked at?” literally it’s so bad it’s noticeably sticking out of my belly. ugh I said yes I have but Covid…so if you know anyone that wants to throw me in and fix it please give them my number.

. he informs me he will have nothing to put toward her yearly visit even though it’s been booked since July and I saved.

. deciding what to buy myself for my birthday and remembering cat mothers day and how i said I am pissed you did nothing and as an afterthought at 11pm there was suddenly a frozen cheesecake to “celebrate” but it had freezer burn that made it awful and how that minimal effort was expected to be celebrated and wowed and appreciated and I wanted to throw it over the balcony. he would have been better off to continue with the nothing he had already done.

. "I wrote my first novel because I wanted to read it.” ~ Toni Morrison

. again with mama moon. eye level to my bed and so close I can touch it. this time of year she really looks in closely on me.

. all the blond hair products I will ever need. I wish I had the energy to wash my hair tonight .

32 - 9.1

. no letter in a minute and a bunch of unsubs. ok. so those are people who don’t care why a pomegranate, a disco ball and the moon rolled into a bar…

. I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow so I am on a liquid diet all day and its a full moon and I could eat the hind end of a moving wildebeast and why did I book this on a full moon? also, this is 50+

. “full throated demands” ~ Effy

. I slept all afternoon so I wouldn’t sit here hungry.

. lots of talk on the feed about rage and pride today. can’t wait for seven sins again

. my birthday month begins. i have a covet list.

. watching extreme race and I am fascinated

. "Keep taking time for yourself until you are you again." ~ Lalah Delia

. very moody but i am sure its hunger and the moon.

31

. always so nervous about love letters when it’s been a minute. when I was writing weekly the flow had so much ease. have to get back to that.

. 294 new covid cases over the weekend. ugh

. still watching Bewitched and Endora is always on top of the cabinets and the counters, or curled up on the railing like a cat. i love it.

. when did burnout velvet fringe kimonos get so expensive? I was scrolling etsy over coffee and it’s unreal.

. the moon is almost full and I slept with my curtains open bathing in her love.

. i wish this apartment had an exposed brick wall. wonder if i can fake that?

. Matutine: (adj.) just before the dawn

. sacred and revolutionary simplicity, ease, and enchantment.

. I CANNOT believe tomorrow is Sept 1. HOW?

30

. took today off too. time to just be is so important.

. back on my gallon a day.

. every time we shop he is in a mood and he rushes me and I forget stuff and its fucking annoying but I did get most of the stuff I need to prep for my test on wed.

. cases are up - highest since the pandemic began and i notice its mostly men and young people not masked. why is that? do they think they are immortal? it is privilege? it is a you cant tell me what to do? or are they just selfish assholes mostly? I hate masks cause I get claustrophobic and can’t breathe but I wear one.

. rained all day. glad I got a park sit in yesterday. I hope this is not the end of summer.

. "It's only a dry spell if you are thirsty." - Shrill

. i want someone to take me to the mountains and breathe with me and sit and hold my hand while we marvel at the world.

. Cori Kelly <3 that news was sad. prayers for her family as she travels to the ancestors.

. had my fave pho for the first time since Feb. I needed that healing broth and there was no one in the restaurant.

29

. went to a motorcycle show with Niki but we went to buy jewelry. 25 years ago it would be to flirt with guys and wear cut-offs and cowboy boots and listen to the sound of Harley’s which always makes my nether regions quiver but now it’s amazing jewelry made by a friend and vintage jumpsuits with pockets.

. and after there was fried chicken in my park in the sun and talking for hours.

. it felt…normal. meeting a bestie at the corner, wandering and looking at stalls, making up back stories, sitting in the sun - it feels so long since we did something like that. there have been no flea markets or neighbourhood wide yard sales which is a chunk of our Saturday activity. Even with the masks and the distancing it was familiar. I miss it so much.

. “Sometimes you don’t want “love and light.” Sometimes you want “shadows and secrets.” It isn’t the sun you crave, but the moon. I will sit with you in the dark.” ~ Victoria Erickson

. started in on this show called P Valley about a strip joint deep in Mississippi and I am obsessed.

. completely took the day off from work and after getting the tour page done I needed it and I am so glad I did.

. we both want to redecorate again cause we both hate our couches. makes sense. how can I love my place and hate my couch?

. the moon is eye level and she is talking to me. not full yet but i see her.

. blank slate moon

• candle by Design Judge

28

. morning coffee with Effy

. Ritualcravt - my witch adjacent eccentric aunt alter ego loves this aesthetic. it’s one of the places i go to when i fill up carts in the middle of the night and occasionally hit buy when i can afford it. USD exchange and all that….

. i soft launch FBT and my ads are FULL of thin blond basic white women offering launch blueprints and Tony Robbin types offering coaching certification. It’s never ending. All I do is hide and delete. Who are these people?

. craving or longing. are they the same?

. take back your power like the swamp witch you are.

. ordered a moon hook for my bedroom. i will literally obsess over anything lunar. and all the moon stuff I have is going everywhere with me.

. started wearing all my lipsticks at home cause I can’t with a mask and the mask dries out my lips so the lipsticks look off I feel and did some research and apparently charlotte tilbury lip oil is the thing. it’s 45 fucking dollars. my $2.79 white and yellow jar of Carmex just has a panic attack.

. creating and coveting. anything and everything. feels good to be coming home to me.

. lymph nodes

27

. I listen to WAP daily and watch all the videos I can find on it and I do it obsessively because all the backlash pisses me off.

. making lists of what heals.

. i am so annoyed by men who think that they need a badge of courage for standing up to other men as they harass us. i hear this so often from guys who notallmen and who wear the badge of feminist. why do you need undying thanks? You fucking benefit hard from this culture. you don’t get thanks for standing up for us like you are doing us a favour.

. i am not eating well. i can feel it in my skin and my ankles and my blood.

. summer seems to have come back. it’s hot and i am here for it.

. i am craving something and can’t nail down what it is. this is directly related to my shit eating habits the last week. ugh the circle.

. checklists are life saving. i used to be anti list and now I can’t imagine.

. long talks with my S.O.

. watched some mad men and always remember a line Roger said and it is "Since when is forgiveness a better quality than loyalty." and that drives me. I am not a forgiver. I move on. I make peace. I even sometimes forget but the forgiveness gene does not live in me. I have been easily discarded my entire life which is fucked cause when i love someone they stay loved but I know what loyalty looks like to me and that doesn't mean I stick around for abuse or ignore accountability but that word, loyalty to myself and my relationships has served me far more than forgiveness every did.

26

. Jacob Blake.

. Carmen

. my S.O.

. my Yaya.

. my witch

. hand olding otters for life.

. checklists

. tests.

. “all the women in me are tired.” ~ Nayyirah Waheed

25

. I wrote a love letter about why I have plants sometime last year and today in Effy’s ten she wrote this which is pure gold “The thing about planting seeds is that it is such an enormous act of faith. You put these little things that look like nothing in pots of dirt and you water and wait and water and wait and maybe something happens and maybe nothing happens. “

. Chatting with my boo about my afternoon at the DMV yesterday and why I was so spent after and it’s because I haven’t been around that many people in MONTHS. I glide around the grocery store like a ninja but to sit there with all these other masked people was so brutal and weird and foreign. What was supposed to be a half hour appt - a scheduled one - turned much longer cause their system kept going down. I was in my social hisstancing mask thank god. So anyone that came into my space knew to step away. I need to ask Kat where she got her retractable poking stick cause one guy got too close and I wanted to take him out at the kneecaps

. details after details after details

. so glad I had massage therapy today

. Just a note: Your belly fur was where it fell apart. His belly fur is where I grieved. Then her belly fur healed your loss and my heart. And now her belly fur is where i am finding myself. Thank you familiars for holding my everything.

. elysian definition: (adj.) beautiful and creative; divinely inspired; peaceful and perfect

. coveting a longer summer, heightened senses like a werewolf, a facial, a pedicure, new sectional, a 20 year old orange diabetic cat, my dentist to reopen, new fluffy white towels, and a man to spoon me.

. why is my hair so dry still?

. almost there. Tomorrow I think.

24

. I was logging into the stores website to check an item I saw in stories and I am tired and logged into something else community related by accident and now I am excited about a new way to connect.

. one of the things FBT will do is remove shame and handhold people as they do the things they need to do and that they are embarrassed by. I had my brother hold my hand to fix up all my drivers license stuff and it had caused me so much anxiety until I faced it and said out loud why I didn’t have a valid license and started making the steps to it. So now I have my learners back cause I made the appt and it was today and I passed the test and I have my road test scheduled for Dec 31 which was amazing cause when we first logged in they were booking third week of Feb after being covid closed and then like magic Dec 31 popped up and we snagged it. Its a good feeling to tackle that. The rest of my dental work is next. Also delayed cause of covid and I was on SUCH a roll in Jan and Feb with that. No judgment no shame no denying

. just added more expenses to my monthly business expenses with mail chimp upgrade and moon clerk but I am at the point where I need some automation.

. I was thinking about this dude I matched with on Tinder who was in town for a convention and he took me on a date and I brought Carly and we had so much fun but I distinctly remember him telling me - in front of Carly - “that you are not afraid of confrontational conversation because it shows you have expectations and boundaries and that smile of yours and how you speak and hold yourself shows who you are and that is so fucking sexy” and I feel that part of my coming back again and fuck did I miss her.

. practical magic for living wild

. why isn’t Wyatt Earp with Val Kilmer on one of my streaming services? I have a need to “i’m your huckleberry.”

. 2020 has been full of fuckery. I can’t wait to gather.

. fuck that chick and her ignorant menopausal emails.

. fuck I am tired.

23

. a 20 year old orange cat with diabetes looking for a home was posted on my next door app this morning. he had been dropped at a vet in the neighbourhood to be put down but something in his spirit made the vet treat him instead and he is doing well now and living at the vets but the vet would like him to be in a forever home for as long as he has. My heart. i want him so bad. i have already built a schedule around lola’s meds but i don’t know if she is good with other cats. lots of responses from people in the hood offering to give him a retirement home so that made me happy. what is it about these seniors?

. thinking about Sarah Cooper and how she said she was jealous at how men can say anything and they are believed and how she wishes she could bullshit her way through life. anytime I tell a guy about imitation he says its not a big deal and no one can do what i do and while i appreciate the sentiment its more that they can’t comprehend it cause they are always listened to about everything.

. when I say “natural” and “wild” in FBT registration I worry how those words have been twisted by wellness. I don’t mean never shave your legs or shit like that. I mean it as a shedding of conformity and shoulds and supposed to’s. Still writing that page so it’s not a million paragraphs long. I’ll get there.

. I am practicing for a “signs and signals” test at the DMV tomorrow. I got my learners at 13 and my drivers on my 16th bday and because of fuckery and stress here I am RE-WRITING my fucking learners at 52. The time I spent caring for others and letting my own shit slide is so much wasted time. But here I am. Not putting things off and that feels good.

. Watched some weird movie on the weekend about an Arkansas drug lord and there was a line that I paused the movie to write down. One of the drug lord’s workers was killed and the person that found them said what are we going to say? and the dude said “we’ll say he went to Oklahoma. you throw in a couple of details but you don’t worry if the listener believes the story or not. It’s the apathy of authority.” and then the other guy nodded and this goes back to the Sarah Cooper bit. The apathy of authority, How little you care and can shrug off questions if you are perceived to be in authority. there is so much more here to dig into around all these secret messages.

. purge

. i hope this is not the last bit of warm summer weather. I am not ready.

. “Tell me it isn’t magic, the way you heal yourself.” ~ Pavana

. my anxiety has me filling up carts at 3am all over the internet.

22

. I think I need a Patrick Swayze film festival. Ghost. Dirty Dancing. Point Break. Outsiders.

. I am going to make myself a birthday wish list of all the things I covet in one place because I am worthy of what i want. Plus people keep asking what I want lol

. Jacquelyn asked me how I was feeling and told me she thinks about me and my past mysterious health problems and that meant so much. The isolation of covid and beings single and having no parents always makes me feel lonely so when she said that I felt love. I can’t wait to go back on tour so we can all love up on each other.

. I know I am in my zone here because everywhere I look there are messages about community care vs self care and that is one of the MAIN things about FBT. The community care aspect. I fucking love with when the universe keeps throwing these little affirmations my way like it’s saying you got this. This is right.

. checked out V.V. today - it was practically empty so I felt safe - and I miss thrifting so much. The hunt for vintage and also to see what speaks to me and who it reminds me of so I can send people things. I sent out something last week and she got it Friday and messaged me and said it arrived at just the right time. I can’t wait to do more of that. Snail mail surprises are a love language

. the sexual tension between…and the for me it’s the … threads on twitter are hilarious. I love it so.

. sales pages are my krptonite

. this page and all the pre work I am doing for the Full Bush Tour got me thinking the first course I ever did 7 or 8 years ago. I don’t even remember how long. The Unprogram. We thought it was such a clever name because that is what it was. Un-programming all the stuff society and culture and religion and school and your family told women they should be. The branding was nothing like anything we had seen before and neither was the language. We could not believe in a surreal wtf sort of way that someone bought something we created. Something that came from our chutzpah, from disgust of an industry I was a BABY in, from collaboration with my yaya and us being ballsy enough to say lets write this and sell it in a time before online courses were the huge thing they are now. I am intensely proud of that moment and cried when the first paypal notification came up. It's still a thrill when people buy my words and crazy ideas but that first one will live in me forever. 

. “I’ve met myself and it’s a lot." - Carolyn Fine -hahaha this. It’s a lot but in no way am I too much.

.* cover photo by @sammijefcoate - I worship her style / unprogram image by Pink Kloud Creative

21

.

. Effy and i have been doing these for a minute now and have been popping over to each others sites and commenting every day. do you remember when you read something from someone you liked and you actually commented on their blog? that’s a throwback to the early days and I am loving it. I want more of it.

. scar tissue

. I don’t want to be with someone who is grumpy all the fucking time. I used to have a friend who had a grumpy husband and I wondered how exhausting that was. I watched Hope Springs on Netflix and he was grumpy and I wanted Meryl to leave him.

. love when these pop up n memories cause this came up today - going through my notebook of secret messages and i found notes on a story i read about the worlds loneliest frog who has been in a frog conservatory for ten years cause the species is about to go extinct but they just found 5 more in a cloud bog and have brought them to the conservatory and this frog named Romeo is getting a girlfriend and it made me really love this world we live in sometimes and I hope they boogie down and have babies so the species can continue. my hilarious friend suggested Barry White and a nice chardonnay to get things going and I fucking love the people I know so much.

. i want to hang upside down like a bat and stretch until I go back to my 5'7" cause i feel like I am shrinking.

. the Svaha. that moment between the time you hear the thunder til you see the lightning.

. my friend lives in the jungle in Mexico and is in the path of the hurricane and she posted yesterday “The wild life is SILENT If that’s not a hint. Something is coming” and it gave me chills. How animals and nature know. Then I watched the first episode of Connected and this guy tracked the migration of these birds from Delaware to Brazil every year but the weird part was they would change when they went south. so he dug in to find out what that could be and they did it to avoid hurricanes. for 20 years he tracked their migration and then compared it to the hurricanes and then compared that to the scientists and meteorologist predictions and the birds KNEW. every single time. They got out of the way long before there was any evidence of a hurricane. they knew and left on that schedule of knowing. the secret messages in this are blowing me away. how about trusting our own knowing is one. more to come.

. "it was in my flaws I found a much deeper truth - and it is from them. I bloom: a black rose." ~ Segovia Amil - stumbled on this in FBT notes and isn’t this the truth. what I hate others love and who told me to hate these parts anyway and why did I listen? again, more secret messages

. a mild case of something the last two days. I think there was curry in something cause I felt poisoned. Headache and cramping. ugh finally feeling like myself.

20

. Elizabeth said “conga rats” today and I am officially adopting that phrase. With credit of course.

. “do you have a skeleton key make of human bone that opens the door to a land of magical animals?” Came across this quote in my FBT notes from Suzanne in Orange Is the New Black and I really needed to be reminded that things exist just because we have an imagination.

. Carmen NAILED my vision for the FBT graphics. She really understands the chaos of my mind.

. the smell of mornings. its colder in the mornings now and was raining today. I hope that’s not the last of our heat wave. We didn’t get enough of a summer. too cold for mid august in my opinion. i give Lola her medicine and she gives me a dirty look and then forgets about it and screams at me to open the patio door so she can survey her queendom. i step outside in my furry grandma slippers and look to my right at the skyline of my city and the left as the sun is coming up I take a deep breath and it always smells clean. Like fresh laundry dried on the line. It's a beginning and I'll take it.

. reclamation reinvention rebirth reckoning revolution release recovery redemption reformation recreation

. fall we reclaim and set up foundations, winter we hibernate in devotion and see what needs to be born, spring we let it out and really bloom and summer we bring sexy back

. I fell off my gallon a day for a bit and now I am back on and all I do is pee

. I haven’t played with my makeup in a while. I should now that I am blond. See what I can do differently. Should do my clothes too.

. everything hurts from my massage therapy appt.

19

. “the sexual tension between the moon and the ocean” - saw that on twitter this morning (@sokkasupreme) and had to write it down.

. @sammiejefcoate all black looks are giving me life on IG today.

. referring to yesterdays protecting men comment when i write things about that guy people say don’t write unflattering things about that guy. and to me it’s more tell that guy not to do things that make me write unflattering posts. how about that. how about dudes stop doing the fucking least and go to therapy and not put all the healing on us. Effy and I discussed this at length. more to come.

. did anyone notice in Good Omens how the four horsemen were portrayed? pollution was Asian. Famine was Black. War was American. I know nothing about Neil Gaiman so I am not sure if this is on point for him or not.

. I must have some weird accent my phone doesn’t recognize cause when I voice record notes and memos the shit it writes is hilarious.

. I am deep in prep mode and I love this feeling.

. "as if you were on fire from within, the moon lives in the lining of your skin." Neruda - mmmmmm

. g suite email and my site are not cooperating to use my name. is mamacat at my domain too much?

. it felt good to say that out loud and get it out of my system.

.

18

. “we are all made of stars” ~ Chani Nicholas - virgo new moon: Without a time-out, it’s nearly impossible to be connected to what moves me, heals me, and holds me. What I do behind the scenes is the reason that I can do everything else. No amount of affection I show myself is ever in vain. With this New Moon, I remember to withhold no love from myself. I imagine what it would be to feel flooded with it each morning; to start the day caring for myself instead of rushing; appreciating what I was about to receive instead of assuming it would be there for me. I know that pain makes it harder to experience gratitude, connection, and ease. I know that when I am suffering, I curl up into myself and forget how to extend outward for help. I know that it’s normal to feel alone but it’s not helpful to pretend that it’s the whole truth. When I am unsure of how to bridge my sorrow with my strength, I remember to get curious, ask questions, and start the necessary research. I know that the more I allow myself to seek wisdom, the more easily it finds me. Like turning on a signal, being in relationship with the answers I need means putting myself out there instead of assuming they’ll show up when and how I want them to. - this is exactly what I needed. routine into ritual. if I forget that I am fucked. Reminders come when I need reminding.

. i love the nicknames the wild ones have for me. mamacat, momcat, chief ladybird, wolfmama. i love it. i really do. it makes me feel seen.

. watched a lightning storm that went on for hours. It must have started over the island because at first there was no thunder. As it got closer I could hear it. It was gorgeous and no storms like this is one of the things i miss about not living on the prairies.

. the luxury of massage therapy

. (un)well on netflix is basically 6 episodes of look how white people take what isn’t theirs and then royally fuck it up. It’s elitist and classist and ableist and fatphobic all the way. what a train wreck.

. why are we so quick to put all the healing on women and why are we so quick to lean towards silence to protect the ones who hurt us. don’t women have reputations? More on this when i am less tired.

. I over complicated it. fuck.

. back to basics. my work speaks and simple is a love language

. vorfreude definition: (n.) the joyful, intense anticipation that comes from imagining future pleasures.