Rumours...

. Vetting any future involvement and possible wasted time by asking all future dates “do you agree to go as the Rumours album cover for Halloween”.

. My hair is really soft.

. I saw a TikTok of Jack Nicholson leaving a Lakers game and he was swarmed by paparazzi and I felt really protective of him. He is in his 80’s and gave us hours of entertainment. Let him retire in peace.

. I know why he thinks the others are more fun and I am more work. It’s because he brings all of his anxiety, frustration, sadness, disappointment, anger and so on to our friendship and I nurture and listen and he gives all the shows and the laughter to them so of course that seems like way more fun. They don’t get anything BUT the fun, There is no real life and real problems in those situations. It’s all left on me and then when I bring any of that to HIM for nurturing or witness I am suddenly work. Wonder how fun they will be when they are walking him through a dui or getting vaccinated or family issues or any of the other million things he brings to my doorstep? That clicked some things into place for me and gave me peace and some decisions to make.

. I saw a gold slip dress at the thrift but it was too small and now i am obsessed with finding a mid calf gold slip dress.

. There is a small business on tiktok that keeps coming up in my fyp and her retired dad helps her pack the orders and it’s adorable and now people are posting their order numbers in the comments with a request for her dad to pack it and she has been filming him in his little sweater vests reading the orders and then smiling at the camera while he packs it and it is so pure because you can see how excited he is for his daughters business.

. got a record number of unsubs to my last love letter and I wonder if people don’t want to know that it’s ok to take time for yourself and relax or if it was the D comment but either way I always want them to go with love because I am all for keeping what feeds the places that need feeding. I have more thoughts on this but that might be another letter lol.

. The thing about not having a pet sharing relationship with someone is that no one else wants to talk about Lola and her moody quirks as much as I want to talk about Lola and her moods and no one wants to see that many photos.

. Why must we do hard things all the time? Some things yes but not all. I am craving ease and simplicity and space and doing things that are fun and creative. I am tired. In the year of our Lola 2021 we deserve to put down the hard things that we choose and I say choose because some of them choose us and we need to have the capacity to handle those ones.

. “Trees are stored sunlight” ~Effy.

****

Want to muse with me? Before we lose the light and heat and the holidays take over I am doing a 2 week peaceful easy feelings sessions of Wild Musings. Please come! all the glorious details are HERE. xx

Thrifting genius...

. I bought this vintage silk pillowcase as a my wrap up present to myself after the Full Bush tour because the symbol for that tour was a peacock and I like to indulge beginnings and ends in certain ways and I carried it around in my bag since August looking for a pillow insert because they are mad expensive online and I am thrifting genius and I FINALLY FOUND ONE for 3.49 on Monday at vv.

. this moon combined with the anniversary of my losing my mom combined with a very traumatizing betrayal from someone I love deeply has me in my feelings which is ok because I am ok and feelings are ok and I know how to move through them.

. So many changes right now.

. glad I took that wee break from writing. I was still doing these daily because it is more of a spiritual practice than work but I needed to not write anything for a bit.

. Went back to the thrift today to drop off some clothes I am not feeing and I bought Lola something. Photos tomorrow if I can manage it

. this early monsoon rain is always such a hard transition for me.

. Ordered the ingredients for my fave fall soup and will tackle that tomorrow.

. craving something but haven’t figured it out yet. Don’t you hate that? The wanting but not being able to name.

. I want bangs again. uh oh.

I am doing another 2 week Wild Musings that starts Nov 7! All the glorious details are HERE! Join us?

I can't...

I am having anxiety about being behind because I committed to this challenge but then Lola had a talk with me and told me that it’s ok that I am behind and to just jump back in from here. I muse daily in a notes folder on my phone so here are the highlights.

9.11 - I thought I would head immediately into vaca but I needed to catch up on so many things I haven’t really gone fully into vaca mode and that’s ok. I did a deep clean and a bunch of laundry and finished my living room and caught up on some docs appts and email and phone calls i needed to make and boring stuff like that and still have not chosen a green.

9.12 - Supposed to go to Ikea with Mike today but he has been filming late so we are not going. Which i prefer actually. I only want to spend time with people who are generous in spirit and not out of obligation and I would rather someone say I am really exhausted can we do this another time.

9.13 - I turned 54 today and it was a lovely day. On Sunday that Guy dropped by with flowers which was sweet. Mike dropped by with cards and wine and cash on his way home from work. The East Van witches took me out for dinner which was hilarious because you can’t get a hot meal in this city after 8:30 and you can’t get anything on a Monday but we went to the local pub that was miraculously open and it was fun. Carly gave me a black cat watering can that Lola was not on board with when I put it beside her food dish as she was eating and Niki gave me a birthday candle full of facts about people born on September 13. I am surrounded by love.

9.14 - EFFY AND ISABEL GOT ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIDEOS FROM POT ROAST AND HER MOM AND IT’S EVERYTHING. I knew it would be. and I did threaten to go on an absolute rampage if I didn’t get one lol. They are so hilarious and I am keeping them forever and have watched them about 47 million times. You can marvel at them if you want. I am obsessed. Pot Roast one and Pot Roast two. They also knew something else wouldn’t happen so they MADE it happen and my heart grew grinch styles. <3

9.15 - I cannot get motivated to finish rearranging my bedroom and haven’t even made the bed. I am sleeping on top of the bedspread and i hate it when I get like this but it happens and i just need to work through it. Finished all seasons of Grey’s and wondering if that show in that amount all at once is affecting my mood? Gonna take a break from tv for a few days and sleep as much as I want this week.

9.16 - Carly had the day off so we hit vv on 49th and got groceries and had lunch. Found a vintage grandma pillow in gold silk for 5 bucks. It was worth the drive.

9.17 - I have forgotten how to deep breathe. I have been taking vids of lola being cute and I can hear my shallow breathing so gonna look at that when vaca really starts.

9.18 - ultrasound for my swollen thyroid today. I hate having my throat touched and to press the ultrasound on it was torture and I was on the edge of a panic attack. I need my neck clear. No chokers, no crew necks, no turtlenecks, no tight scarves. It’s a thing.

9.19 - my remaining plants are thriving and I have been mostly offline this week and I took some of my birthday cash and went to my local witch store and got a few things and I am wondering if it is time for an altar again? I have wild altars everywhere because my home is an altar to my self loyalty but haven’t had anything “official” in a while.

9.20 - Started watching Ted Lasso and this is the show I needed. It’s so funny and real and it is lifting my spirits. Grey’s made me feel like I was dying. Every patient had me googling symptoms.

9.21 - I went to the dollar store to buy coffee filters and bought some bat shaped twinkle lights.

9.22 - Dropped some more stuff at the thrift and came home with a mug with a pistol handle, gold platform heels, and mini oranges encased in acrylic. Because of course i did lol.

All the days of Effy’s blogalong.

.

Why is green so hard?

. I have had these paint swatches on my wall for a week and i don’t think any of them are the one. Theses are from Lowe’s and I going to go to Home Depot and see what they have. I chose the blue in m living room in a an instant but this green is kiling me.

. I was going to paint one wall and woke up wondering what the entire room painted green would feel like? With my black bed and flufly white bedding. Would I feel like I was waking up in the forest like the feral kitten I believe i am? Thoughts?

. I want to wake up happy.

. It’s my birthday weekend and Mike is taking me to Ikea to buy fluffy white bedding as my present. I donated all of my vintage bedspreads and I am currently using a nap blanket and it’s starting to get chilly. Should have thought that through lol.

. My main focus this weekend is the final bits of my apartment redecoration now that i have my dream shelf. It’s a disaster in here and it’s making me cranky. I miss the me that had everything in its place. Space. Ease. simplicity. Maybe this weekend I will write about simplicity.

. I feel like my vaca won’t really start til next week because i had a bunch of stuff to do to wrap up all those tours and housework and my inbox is a mess.

. It’s starting to feel like fall.

. I wonder if Mike will get the cameo or the stuff from Ravens Veil?

. I think I am watching too much grey’s. lol

Day 10 of Effy’s blogalong.

Easy like a Sunday morning...

. Woke up at 12:30 pm with this lady.

. My deep clean is not going well. I should have just done it on Wednesday on my first day off because my motivation is zero but I did get my bathroom and kitchen done. I also somehow purged a bunch of stuff. Again. I am going to have nothing left.

. all day yesterday I thought it was Friday until Hollie said in a text “sounds like a lazy Saturday” and I said “it’s Saturday?”. I have been so acutely aware of deadlines that I am now not even sure what day it is. Whew.

. Why am I craving a big mac?

. Was going to wander down the block to my fave witch store but they closed for the long weekend. I love it when local businesses do that. Just close to give themselves a break. My fave pizza place is also closed.

. I think I will have a nice long hot bath and make some tea and just chill today. I obviously need it.

. almost thought about turning on my heat last night. Fall is here.

. Still watching Grey’s obsessively.

. I need laundry loonies.

. I know what it is going to look like.

---

Day 5 of Effy’s September blogalong.

Live footage...

. I am interpreting this photo from my colouring app last night as live footage of me and Lola screaming away full speed from everyone online that annoys us. Also, I should get her a cape.

. I was at Lowe’s the other day looking at paint samples and decided to check out the price of tall palms for my living room because it is clear I cannot grow a fern and I was looking at some plants and I saw movement and I immediately thought RAT but it was a tiny lizard. We made eye contact and are friends now.

. My hair grew two inches overnight. I might dye it pink.

. Thinking lots and with love about my baby squirrel and how hard it is to send seniors to the rainbow bridge. Mama, I hope you know you were loved and that Len and Stevie and Nigel met you at the endless cheese buffet in the sky and showed you the way.

. Booked a call with my Yaya for monday and thinking about the time we created two fictional witches who owned a shop called The Space that carried everything you ever wanted and didn’t know you needed and how they would meddle in peoples lives and fix things and I miss them. And her.

. I am now following a pet raccoon on TikTok named Reba. No one will be surprised by this.

. Wild Musings Tour was so fun and I love that so many that came are still musing. Like REALLY love that.

. I am going to keep saying that my abortion was a fantastic decision and was not traumatic and I am grateful I could have it done safely because we need to change the narrative.

. The term holding space is heading to the same territory as deep dive for me lately. There are a bzillion ways for people to hold space and there as just as many ways people need it held and not everyone meets everything so how can you be an expert at it? .

. I got a bit tidied in my apartment today but I did more couch surfing than anything. Feeling a bit more rested so tomorrow.

. Dropped some stuff at the thrift and found the most gorgoeus 40’s rayon reversible kimono robe. And the person at the check out asked me why I always bought them and i said I wear them and use them as art and she said she loves them too and I love that we had that little connection in common.

---

Day 3 of Effy’s September blogalong.

17 seasons later...

. I finally decided to give Grey’s Anatomy a try. Early adopter I am not. It started in 2005 lol. But I feel like I joined a secrete club because I finally know what Dr. McDreamy means. I am on ep 6 of season 1.

. Felt inspired and wrote my list about Wild Musings on Saturday night. Late. I love late night writing and I love this bit that I said as way if invitation : If you are ready to notice that the sun sets later all of a sudden and you have the urge to buy school supplies and you can suddenly see sunflowers over fence tops and the raccoon babies in your backyard are getting bigger and your fave tiktoker just hit 1 million and you re-watched all the Avenger movies and have thoughts and you never want your tan to fade and you are craving stews and chilis and big pots of soup then I invite you to join me on this tour and muse on your OWN life, one moment at a time.

. I said to someone today I will not buy from a white person who does not market from a anti capitalist and counter culture lens. With payment options and community care etc.

. people get a lot of satisfaction from their dissatisfaction. Baffles me. But I have unfriended and been unfriended from a few who live in it and it feels like a gift to myself. That peace.

. another bag of stuff to the thrift. That is 6 trips so far.

. I took myself up to Brentwood yesterday to see the renos and H & M had the Renee collection. ON SALE. This is why I peek at trends. for moments like these.

. Took Mike out for a birthday breakfast yesterday and it was (mostly) really nice. We are trying.

. I am obsessed with Glow Up n Netflix. These MUA’s have so much talent and amazing style and I am getting secret messages like crazy.

. Feels like fall today which is too early to feel that way.

. something something maybe?

***

Wild Musings welcome email goes out this Sunday and first prompt is Monday. You can read all the glorious details HERE. Join me?

Secret Messages...

. i deleted all the games from my phone and just kept my colouring app and I find secret messages from the photos all the time. This one came exactly when I needed it.

. I also left a bunch of groups where my pain points were always being pressed and I never felt good. Lots of fomo and feeling poor and just general ick. I feel SO much better without those in my feed all the time.

. I chose me.

. Its cool and rainy today but this province needs it. I have two friends on evac watch and it’s so scary.

. day 3 yesterday of purging stuff I am actively using. It’s not like space and ease are not available here and in my life because they are but I am just feeling the need for more of both. I did that huge purge and it was fantastic but energy shifts and my space shifts with it. I sense something big coming my way so I am proactively getting ready and making space for it.

. space is my love language

. i have a no fail parallel parking method that i teach everyone that my dad taught me and it works every time.

. Mike is 55 today.

. Dr. Clara Mandrake is delightfully unhinged.

. I won’t.

***

One week until Wild Musings starts. 10 prompts to guide you i observing the beauty in your own life. find all the details here. xx

Pot Roast...

. Pot roast now has a collection of hats and obviously I am OBSESSED. her mom is hilarious and it never fails to make me laugh. I might send them a kitty wig. @potroastsmom on TT

. does Lola need hats?

. third day in a row I purged stuff I was actively using and dropped it at the thrift. Today was a bunch of linens. Came home with a macrame wall hanging, a brand new with tags duvet cover, a Leonard Cohen book of poems, and a gold bathing suit cover up that is probably 1970’s. all under 30 dollars. I love a good deal.

. hunting for a deep covet I forgot about and never even pinned but it showed back up today and I wonder if i will find it. I usually do.

. that call from the doctor was probably a referral to a new surgeon. thinking about how many people said to me “how could you let that happen?” about my breast reduction surgeon and that question has always baffled me. I was under anesthetic and asleep when it happened. Will forever think about the number of people that said that and similar things.

. Effy told me to let go today. Without claw marks. Sigh.

. making headway on getting the place back up to snuff. actually emptied the dw this morning and cleaned the kitchen whiile coffee was brewing. the routine/ritual is so needed.

. sun salutations. (auto correct changed it to sun SLUTutations and I almost left it) first time in forever. does your body remember cause I think mine has ghosted.

. it will be a smaller intimate group this time I think.

. “I heard stories from my mother's mother who was an American Indian. She was spiritual, although she did not go to church, but she had the hum. She used to tell me stories of the rivers.” - Tina Turner

***

Come do these for ten days and really be in your life one moment at a time! It will change how you see things and remind you of what you want, what you forgot, and what is perfection right here, right now. Read all about the Wild Musings tour HERE. xx

She would be 91...

. she would be 91 today. I miss her all the time. sometimes it’s hard to breathe for the missing and Mike and I are in a space and it’s family weird feelings all around. She was my biggest fan and my harshest critic. We didn’t always see eye to eye but we loved each other deeply and always had something to talk about and we laughed a lot.

. began at the beginning with a few things today. It feels ‘whelming but I have to start somewhere.

. donated a bunch more stuff even though I have room and did use some of it but there is something about a purge that feels good.

. and there is good stuff everywhere

. old time frock n roll

. I wonder if you lower your standards, do they ever rise up again?

. doctors office called again and she said I need a height and weight. I said 5”7” and 8 pounds. Which is Lola’s weight. She didn’t say I need YOUR height and weight and she didn’t think it was as funny as I did. She said it was for a referral to a doc and they need it on their form and couldn’t tell me why. So I made one up cause I honestly have no idea. which just proves my point that it doesn’t fucking matter.

. soon

. DVT - my nemesis

***

Love these? I am doing a 2 week course with ten prompts that will have you looking at your life one moment at a time. Sign up and read all about it HERE. xx

Haus Labs...

. Haus Labs had 30% off for their two year anniversary with free shipping and a FREE LIPGLOSS so I treated myself to a lip stain and an eyeshadow quad and they arrived and they are DIVINE. from the matte black ombre packaging to the product themselves I knew they would be. It’s Lady Gaga. Of course it is.

. I tried. I always try. But I might need a break cause I never come off feeling heard or loved.

. how do you be in relationship with someone that you love loves but you don’t trust at all.

. my entire apartment smells like tea tree because I have a fruit fly issue and I saw Starr say that they can live in your drains and to put vinegar, tea tree, and baking soda in your drain and then pout a kettle of boiling water on it. I did the kitchen and bath sink and the tub and I hope it works cause those fuckers make me mental but I love a good home remedy and I wish i had that kind of knowledge. I am always fascinated by it.

. My S.O. held my soul on ft last night, then Snarls stopped by and Effy this morning let me talk and if I am nothing else I am someone who has incredibly loving friendships. I have always been that way and my loyalty to my loves is unwavering. hashtag blessed.

. also because i got my feelings hurt a few weeks ago I have had zero capacity for my house and now it is gonna take me a full day to dig it out. My usual cleaning plan is I do something daily that takes 15 mins to 1/2 hr and since I have very little stuff there is ease there. But my bathroom needs doing and I haven’t swept in over a week and all my clean laundry is still sitting in my laundry bag and my floors need washing and that is what depression does. It leaves just enough bandwidth to be brilliant at my work and the rest is spent laying on the couch watching comfort shows til 2 am feeding my feelings.

. having said that I bought a 9 dollar scrubber with a handle that I saw on #cleantok because my fucked up knee does not like me kneeling to wash the tub and I am super excited to try it.

. purged some bowls and dishes that didn’t need purging and dropped them off at the thrift and it made me feel like i did something good for myself.

. Is it time to build myself a little bar again? i am a child of the cocktail generation and depending on covid maybe i will have people over this fall. hmmmm

. Obsessed with Gerald the silverback gorilla on Tony Bakers voice overs.

***

If you love these and want to begin doing them I am offering a two week course with ten prompts to get you musing wildly. It’s very cathartic to be in your life one moment at a time. You can read all about it and sign up on the wild musings page.

Catnip Carrot...

. I am the worst cat mom ever. She was on the bed screaming at me at 4:30 am and I was obviously asleep so I shooed her off the bed but when i woke up her catnip carrot was by my pillow. She obviously just wanted to play in the cool morning. I still feel bad.

. When he says things like I am late paying this off because I am keeping everyone afloat it is so fucking snide because I am not the narcissist being kept afloat and also you were the one that pulled the life raft out from under me in the first fucking place.

. I am not a convenience but you keep trying to treat me like one.

. I know her so well I knew what the feather meant and I am fucking happy for her I started screaming.

. Was looking around today and feeling overwhelmed with stuff but I don’t know why cause I don’t have stuff. I know myself well enough to know it means I need to deal with something else and ugh.

. I am fully Pfizered or will be in two weeks. Also I have a migraine and my arm hurts.

. Leo season and i have so much going on.

. The fern is not gonna make it. sigh.

. “How wild it was, to let it be.”

. Esther’s house

***

If you are reading this and want a safe space to practice being in your life one moment at a time then join my Wild Musings tour! !0 gorgeously crafted prompts to get you recognizing, remembering, and reclaiming. I can’t wait! xx

Moon energy...

. This is Stanley. I don’t know why Lola hates him.

. I am so weary of marketing makeover stories leading to sales pages and how those stories never include where the money to recreate your life actually comes from and wanting everyone to go on a deep dive and really - do we need to be raw all the fucking time - because it just makes people feel like they don’t measure up and not everything requires a deep dive and a need to expose yourself in a raw and real way. That’s not how we evolve and change and find our peace in this world. Yes somethings require a deeper exploration but not every single thing and why do I see it everywhere? Let’s float on our discoveries and sometimes tread water together or get out of the water entirely for a moment if you want and just lie on the beach soaking it all in. That’s how I run my stuff and it’s glorious.

. I was hanging in with someone on text who was going through something and she said are you mad at me and I said not at all and if I was i would tell you because in my relationships i believe in direct communication that is kind and honest because I am no longer willing to live a life of relationships where I am constantly decoding subtext. It is fucking exhausting and giving that up, and the people who passive aggressively do that, is my own self loyalty in action. She said oh I guess I don’t really know anything about your story. And it was such a moment for me that we are friends but she doesn’t really know anything about my story. still noodling on that.

. this moon energy has me exhausted and exhilarated at the same time.

. I think fb is hiding my wild musings tour posts like they did bewitched because i asked a few people who have me larked to see first and they said they don’t see them. I asked because the amount of engagement i get on these and the amount of people who have asked me how I do them vs the likes and comments on the sales post do not add up. its frustrating.

. I want wellness professionals to be a little kinder, less ableist, less victim blaming, less cherry picking of the real story to press pain points.

. solstice

. I brain dumped it all into an email I haven’t sent yet because even though I am sure he never considers it I think about it constantly.

. my doctors office left me a voicemail to call them to update my height and weight because I refused to do it at my last visit and I will not be returning that call.

. no one held me after my mom died. it’s been 5 years and still no one has and it still breaks my heart.

---

I am doing a ten day prompted Wild Musings course at the end of August and it is a gorgeous way to practice being in all the moments of your life one moment at a time. You can sign up HERE and there is community care pricing and a portion of proceeds going to Red Root Collective.

Launch day...I don't mean Bezos

. Mama moon was playing shy last night but this is still honestly the best photo of the moon I have ever taken. I wonder why she hates to be photographed. Is she up there muttering "fuckn paparazzi" when she decides to really take up space?

. The prompt this week in Bewitched is on wild altars and there is a paragraph that literally gave me goosebumps when I wrote it. I have so missed that feeling of knowing that my fingers are hitting keys forming words that make me feel that way. It's been a minute.

. then yesterday I did the sales page for the daily musings tour and I felt the same way. Sales pages are my kryptonite but I love this one and there was so much ease.

. I got a BRAND NEW fridge today because mine has been making my veggies sweaty and in my entire life living on my own since 18 I have never had a place with a brand new fridge. Ever.

. the guy that delivered the fridge said his neighbour is a life coach working with companies on teamwork etc and suggested - without knowing a thing about what *I* do - that it might be a good avenue for me. I said (among other things) does he go in and rob them of their lunch hours and feed them mediocre pizza so that the owners can suck more life from their probably underpaid asses to make more money? This guy was standing around while the worker guy was leveling the fridge and the worker guy almost choked laughing. This guy didn't find it funny but..oh well. *shrugs*

. lost my phone for 3 hours yesterday cause it fell in my small donation bag i gave to the thrift and find my iphone was telling me it was at vv and I thought it was by the checkout and had a full on panic attack and started to cry but then realized it might be in the donation bag and the whole things gave me a migraine which is why I didn't launch yesterday as promised.

. But I did find a vintage chenille all white summer bedspread so I have that going for me.

. I have been watching old episodes of kitchen nightmares and would 10/10 hate fuck Gordon Ramsey. Still.

. grapefruit Perrier is my elixir of choice these days. I am so bougie lol.

. I love my hair.

6am...

. I have been up since 5:30am because someone with a tiny skeleton was dancing on me but before doing the can-can in her floofy pantaloons on my bladder she chose violence of a different kind. Poor Stanley. Last time I saw 5:30 am I was still awake from the night before and I don't party anymore so it's been a minute. I laid there for another half an hour watching the sky change and I am not going to lie…it was gorgeous. But I WON’T be making this a habit and I hope Ms. Lola Esmeralda Floof doesn’t either.

. all my east coast loves are up so I sent good morning texts lol.

. a local diner has a Sunday night steak special for 12.99 and I went and had it yesterday for the first time since the pandemic. Steak, mashed with gravy, broccoli and carrots. My dad would have LOVED it. He loved diners as much as I do. I will choose a diner over a fancy restaurant any time.

. I got shipping confirmation for the few dresses I ordered and they are all black. I want to look sexy, mysterious and slightly threatening but I will vehemently deny knowing anything about the whereabouts and/or disappearance of my ex lovers.

. Everyone can wear white to their wedding if they want.

. I saw this thing on tiktok and the question was "what were you bullied for that is trendy now" and so many said "being a slut". Because back in the day having a hot girl summer was an easy target for people to bully and hate on you. I am loving that in a few ways that narrative has shifted a bit.

. I might wander to the thrift today. I am building a babs and kris star is born box for someone and am looking for a few key pieces.

. tiny cauldrons

. something cool is coming out this week.

13 inches...

. Cutting my hair was a response to a comment from someone who has internalized fatphobia. I thought maybe i was hiding behind it because I am disconnected from myself from my collarbone to my thighs for various medical reasons and with that much hair that is all I see in that area so I cut it.

. And also because I choose me and freedom. That hair held the last breaths of my mother and Nigel, Len, and Stevie. It held the last time I was held by a man. It held two major surgeries and a pandemic where the world shut down and all I do lately is let go. Everything I let go of has claw marks on it and the last "cut" I had was half an inch. So a big change was necessary and my bestie did it while we watched friends re-runs. It is so soft and healthy now.

. I bought a few new things to wear because I am trying to connect back to my body but basically I am curating a wardrobe that is perfect for when I am interviewed by a reporter about the mysterious disappearances of my former lovers.

. "Everything caves under the weight of greed." I heard that somewhere and did not write down where but it is going around and around in my head.

. I questioned doing a year long tour during a pandemic but I trusted my gut and did it and I am getting all these secret messages from it and my bush kittens keep writing me to say how it changed them and I am so glad I went ahead with it. the 2.0 version is in the works.

. I am cat sitting and went over to give them breakfast and they are twin oranges who are in their teen years and they both slowly and sleepily climbed up from the basement like they had been playing video games all night cause their parents are away. It was hilarious.

. My fern might not recover.

. I know I am in a flux period because my screen time was up 24% last week according to my phone and I have been tiktoking my self to sleep every night. Being done with the purge and my redecoration has left me with way more room for other things. Which was the point of it. My apartment is easy to keep tidy and easy to clean. Laundry is easy to put away. There is so much space. Now what?

. I take my aunt vibe seriously and will be the one who snatches you and says CHOOSE YOU but I will do it wearing fabulous clothes and with much love and some comedy.

. question your gurus if you need clarification.

. the friend that ended our friendship on that before and after photos thread sent me a friend request a few weeks ago. I accepted it but then noticed she had me on a filter so I messaged her and asked why. she said that she saw my acceptance of her friend request but didn't know how cause she didn't send me one. I said you must have sent me a request or I wouldn't have anything to accept. she said that was a mistake and she didn't send me one and unfriended me. Which means she was scrolling my wall and accidentally hit the friend request button and didn't realize. So just say that! anyway I blocked her so it won't happen again. I am no longer allowing myself to keep breaking my own heart.

Extreme Heat...

. I was proactive and ordered a mini air conditioner and new flip flops WEEKS ago. Neither have arrived. However, my instant pot came yesterday so maybe I'll make a nice pot of warm soup. *eyeroll*

. Lola is on the tile in the bathroom and I have cold wet mats down in there to cool her down and keep the tile cool. She is not a happy girl. There was a wee panting incident yesterday but we wiped her down with a cold cloth and she started to breath normal again.

. I guess this is training for when I go to hell.

. I desperately need a haircut. So much I might cut it myself

. I hate drunk energy. I saw someone on the weekend who was drunk and it was so fucking annoying to me.

. I am so glad I cleared out this apartment. Best thing I ever did was let go. The space and ease of being here is so worth it.

. All I have done all weekend is lay on my couch under a fan with a wet cloth on me so I don't have much to report lol.

Expansion...

1. I rearranged my studio space because I felt closed in by the stove and I didn't like having my basic white cupboards behind me. I feel way more expansive now and what is above me is my talisman shelves and wild altars. All my pink skies are beside me and of course because this is my life, the litter box is next to my desk. ahahahha. She lives here too.

2. There is some weird ass moon energy today and I am uneasy. I can't believe July is almost here and i feel that Sigourney has robbed me of some precious prep time to make a living for fall. Kinda freaking out a bit but I am on it and not jumping on my idea notebook. Going to wait til this moon energy lifts a bit so doing mundane task instead. Washing floors, changed my sheets, cleaned my bathroom, cuddled Lola, emptied the dishwasher. Giving myself grace and tenderness today.

3. MY PURGE IS COMPLETE. I have a few things to mail and a small ikea bag of stuff for our east van witches yard sale this weekend but it's done. I went to the thrift yesterday cause its air conditioned and I had been writing all day and needed to walk around and I am done my redecoration. I didn't want everything. I did find some small bowls for her and a new pottery holder for my utensils and a spoon rest cause I broke mine but I spent nothing and they all added a bit more of a 70's vibe. It was a nice feeling to know it's done and I love my place and what I have and the space. it's so worth every agonizing and hilarious moment of getting to know myself all over again.

4. Carly put Stanley on a wee plant stand and Lola has not found him yet so he is not currently being tortured by her.

5. We are talking love languages in Bewitched and mine are space, ease, simplicity, consistency, wild enchantment and devotion. It is also back stories and organization and witch aesthetic and wildflowers and stardust and rock and roll and the 70's and rest and doing nothing with someone and coffee table books and animals and old school paperbacks and supporting small biz and unlimited hours of tv and 3 hour baths and so much more.

6. I have a bunch of blood work and tests coming up that i am dreading but I would like to know what is wrong with me so I'll do them. I fought hard enough for them.

7. Did not renew my last hoarded domain name. I only have one now. My own. So it's just me and all the versions of me. I had anxiety to the expiration countdown and it was yesterday. Whew.

8. I think I am living the good life that comes after.

9. I am allowing for a nap this afternoon because I didn't sleep well last night and the night before I passed out on the couch in a weird position.

10. I just asked my magic 8 ball if it will all work out and it said "it is decidedly so". So I got that going for me.

Dandelions....

~ One of my fave things is random stuff encased in acrylic. I pin it and I save them on Etsy and if I could I would have a wee cabinet of random stuff encased in acrylic. Mostly vintage ones cause that is my jam but I must really like it because my FYP in TikTok sends me process creation vids of people making acrylic earrings and paperweights and keychains and I am fascinated every time. I found this vintage dandelion for 50 cents at my annual neighbourhood wide yard sales a few years ago and it sits on my desk to remind me that things change and we are not weeds and is one of my sources of practical magic. It is one of my most treasured items and I want to know how they did it. How did they get that dandelion in there without damaging it? It’s like the Caramilk secret. I will never know I guess.

~ Wolf pups are born blind and deaf. That random fact just popped into my brain for NO reason so I googled it lol.

~ That Guy and I used to talk about Lola as people who live with pets of personality do. I guess it’s an animal love thing but I miss having someone to talk about all her little moods and meows and shenanigans with so I have been reporting them all to Carly who very lovingly has NOT told me to stop talking about my cat.

~ I opened the window wider in my bedroom yesterday and there were two dead flies on the windowsill and I immediately thought of the Amityville Horror. Did you see that movie? It freaked me out so much I will never forget it.

~ According to my doctor I am supposed to limit my bending/twisting and do no lifting for a month because the hernia was the size of a grapefruit so the incision was huge and there are 3 sets of stitches in my belly and the place where it was it all filled up with fluid which my body will eventually absorb but can cause pressure on the incisions. It is virtually impossible to not bend or lift when you live alone. Carly has been coming by each morning to get Lola her pills and at night I have been stalking my floof til she is asleep and then grabbing her and giving her the pills (she HATES it) but how do you carry groceries up or bend down to change the garbage or empty the dustpan or clean the bathtub or put groceries into the crisper drawer or empty or load the dishwasher or put on shoes or get into a car? I mean I am complying as much as Ican only because I do NOT want to go through this again but it’s not easy. hmph.

~ Loved this question from Anthony Bourdain - “If your phone rang at 11 p.m., would you want it to be that person on the other end?” because I have been randomly thinking about all the friendships that have ended this year, last year, the past 5 years and 10 years and also who I will ALWAYS pick up the phone for. I saw one of the ended ones comment on a friends status the other day and my first thought was “oh there she is making it all about her” . The comment was in regards to thanking nurses during covid and she is a nurse but she is not a hospital nurse and has not been front line for a VERY long time so the status wasn’t ABOUT her and this was constant. She was like that Kristen Wiig character from SNL who always one upped everyone. I don’t miss it. One of them i realized I did miss so I reached out but have no response which is ok. It was a super complicated ending and it was layered and maybe one day we will be friends again and maybe not but for all of them I wish them well.

~ Another one sent me a friend request which I accepted then realized she had me on a filter that showed nothing so why request me? I asked her about and she said she didn’t realize she sent it and it was a mistake. Ummm so you were on m wall and accidentally hit add friend? She unfriended me and removed the option to ever friend again which I thought was funny.

~ Adult friendships CAN be so complicated. Even more so for someone like me because my friends are the greatest loves of my life. The one true romantic love I had killed himself and the other one I was always waiting for him to live up to his potential and I doubt I will ever find that again but my friends…it’s them that hold my heart forever so endings are brutal even when they are necessary.

~ I am never living into a man’s potential again.

~ Patience has never been my virtue.

There is this...

1. It is lilac season and if I had a lilac tree I would leave a note on it saying "help yourself to a bouquet but please leave enough for others" because lilacs should be shared and we don't all have our own tree.

2. I will take my small but important business without a marketing plan, or posting nudes, or a social media manager and I will keep creating things that ask people to be in their lives and seek out happiness and change and enchantment in a way that celebrates who we are at our most natural selves and I will invite in enough people that get me and are invested in me - invested having many nuances - in a way that I can meet myself and my love languages fully. I do want enough people for the IG swipe up feature but I want that lowered to 2000 because I want engagement and communion.

3. I am friends with an amazing Indigenous woman on FB and she made a post the other day about her spiritual practice that went right through me and landed in places that needed filling. With her permission I am sharing a piece -

"How I walk, the medicines I use, when (and even how) I pray - more wandering thought than structured ritual. Gently is how we greet the earth, gratitude how we harvest. The moon hears me both dark and light. My relationship with the water not cleansing baptism, but stirring depths. I am my grandmother's daughter and she was the ancient disguised as propriety, building bridges, braiding responsibility between the kept, and the lost and the necessary until one is unreachable without the other.

No altars. No tools.

Speak into being, be careful, be kind.

Know who you are. Know who you come from.

Know you are never alone."

and it was the reassurance I didn't even know I needed. I do a prompt called Wild Altars Everywhere on tour and it is confusing to some because we all have an image, an idea, of how our spiritual practices and corresponding spaces SHOULD look and then we wonder if we are getting it right. And there has been something in me for a long time seeking permission so I have made some changes. M wild altars are my text messages with friends and my kimono collection. They are the rosaries hanging everywhere and my chaotic plant vignettes. I have given MYSELF permission and removed all apps like the pattern and co star and anything that had me looking for a sign. Except my moon app cause those mesages are hilarious. "No altar. No tools." Just me trusting in my decisions and my gut and loving what I love and that does include tarot cards but i use them for secret messages and not readings and it has really freed me up. If an account pops up on my feed that I followed that is spiritual advice I unfollow because I want to see where this goes and what I know. The only thing I am sticking with is astrology because it is a new found fascination but not in a way to tell me who I am. I know who I am.

4. I didn't say you can't sit with me. I said I am sitting over there and you didn't want to come. This is the summary of most of my friendship endings that last few years.

5. The biggest thing I learned this year while doing my own purge after That Guy left and researching for a possible tour is that people build a wall of stuff - literal stuff - to protect themselves and hide behind - in grief, as a result of poverty trauma, because spending is how they manage depression or anxiety or feel worthy - and when they need to see the light again it's whelming because they don't know what is important out of all of it. It's true for me and my spaces and that constant question of "how did I get here?" as I was purging. I won't go back and I am so grateful for the work i put into that

6. I want to sell vintage again but the above has me a little freaked out. I don't have the space for a store. I don't want the clutter of inventory and shipping supplies etc. But I do miss it because I have a knack for finding the BEST stuff - its a superpower - and I can't keep it all. Ultimately I want to get to the point where I see it and acknowledge it and leave it for someone else. But that's not exactly easy to do every time and I wish I could afford to just send tons of random prezzies out all the time and the going back and forth on this is getting exhausting. I need to just make a decision if its a yes or no.

7. I was chatting with a friend today and we were celebrating something big that happened for her and I said "it's amazing how focused you can be when you remove men from your life" and isn't that the truth! It wasn't until I typed it to her that I realized it was true for me. Since That Guy is out of my life and home and I chose celibacy and no pandemic dating and ultimately chose ME it's shifted everything from my bank account to my anxiety to how I care for myself cause it's just me. No one is seeing me naked, no one has expectations - physically or otherwise - of me that I feel I fail at because I am how I am. There is more here but it was a moment I wanted to acknowledge.

8. I am still having a hard time healing. I hate it when my house is a disaster but I am letting it go.

9. I have plans. Things on the calendar this year and next - work and personal - that I am REALLY looking forward to and in the last 5 and especially 2020 I realize how much I missed that feeling and I am glad I did what I did and put off what I did. Other than my Sigourney healing and upcoming dental work I might be content and I am just gonna sit and bask in that for a while.

10. It is snowing pink petals all over my hood and I can’t get enough of it.

Musings are a response to Isabel’s writing sanctuary Begin (again).

day 30 of Effy’s blog along)